~oOo~
I had lain in the dark all night, thinking about Edward and the way things had played out earlier. It was the worst fight we'd ever had. Actually, it was the only fight we'd ever had. When the sun came up I was no closer to understanding anything then when I'd gone to bed. I just couldn't understand why he was being so dramatic. Okay, sure, if I took the position in New York we'd be separated for a while, but plenty of other couples did the long distance relationship thing and were just fine. Edward and I were solid, or so I'd thought, and if any two people could make a short term, long-distance relationship work it would be us. I would miss him with every fiber of my being. It would be one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my adult life to leave Masen and the little family we'd formed. Edward and Masen had become my world and I loved them, but I couldn't just ignore that I had this driving need to go to NYC and take part in the amazing opportunity to play with the New York Philharmonic.
What I wrestled most with, though, was why Edward felt so strongly that I shouldn't go. It hurt me that he couldn't see this from my perspective, that he wouldn't even hear me out or have a rational discussion about the situation. He had the audacity to compare me to the ex-bitch!I would never leave him or Masen or hurt them like she had. He knew this, and yet he had no problem throwing her mistakes in my face. I think that hurt more than anything: that he doubted my feelings for them. I had cried hot, angry tears into my pillow and clung to Darcy as a horrible feeling of despair and fear settled over me. How dare he equate me to the one person who he despised most! I hadn't felt that hopeless in a long time, and the feeling was crippling. I felt very alone and small lying there with the warm body of my trusted friend. Sadly, it reminded me of the one body I really wanted to be lying next to me, comforting me. A new wave of tears came, bearing my sadness like little ships on the sea of my emotions.
After the tears had dried I was left with a pounding headache and a fractured heart. I didn't even have the strength to get up and take a couple Tylenol. I lay there, just thinking. My thoughts were disjointed and they jumped all over the place. Eventually, I started to question myself and my reasons for needing NYC.
Was I being stupid? No, I knew I wasn't stupid. I'd been many things in my life, but I'd always been considered rational. Almost to a fault. Selfish? Maybe I was being a little selfish, but after years of doing what I thought everyone else wanted me to do I thought I just might be entitled to a bit of self-indulgence. Was it possible I was a dark-haired version of the nastiest person to ever walk the planet? Hell no. I wasn't even going down that path of self-pity. Jessica and I were nothing alike. She was a cold-hearted bitch who had abandoned her husband and newborn son to run off with another man. I simply wanted the opportunity to try one last time to see if I could be the musician I had once dared dream to be. It's not like I was considering something immoral or illegal. The real question was: was I throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to me in order to pursue those dreams? My mind went back to the same issue; I didn't see why I had to choose. I loved them and I loved the music. If my heart was big enough to love them all, then why couldn't this work? Sleep finally came, but it was not restful nor was I any closer to a resolution. I slept knowing that everything would still be waiting when I woke up. I just hoped and prayed that the next conversation Edward and I had wouldn't end in a stalemate.
~oOo~
We met for coffee at his request. I went to his condo so we could try once more to talk and try to come to some kind of adult understanding. He started right in after we'd settled down on the comfy couches on his porch. I looked out over the ocean and watched the turbulent waves as an offshore storm shoved them against the beach. I kinda knew how they felt.
"I just don't get it. What are you running from, Bella? You have a man who loves you, whose family loves you, a little boy who thinks you hung the moon, an amazing job, a beautiful home, but that's not enough for you, is it? What more could you want? Fame? Recognition? Help me understand, Bella!" My eyes shot to his. He was overcome with emotion; his whole body shook from the force of it all.
"If you can think that about me, Edward Cullen, then you never knew me." My voice was much calmer than I felt.
"Just make me see things the way you do, B! I'm begging you!"
"I can't, Edward! Not if you don't want to see them! I could talk and explain it until the cows come home, but you will never understand if you don't at least try to see this as something beyond my 'leaving you'. I don't want to leave you! I don't want us to be over! It's YOU who is pulling the plug on us. You're the one that said if I went to New York that we'd be through. I'm trying to respect your wishes and still do what I know I have to. That doesn't mean that I'm happy with the outcome. You'd think that would be a sure indicator to you that I'm in this for more than fifteen minutes in a spotlight or a paycheck. But no. You're blind to everything except what you perceive as my leaving you and Masen."
"So what do you want, Bella? Tell me." His voice was anything but kind. The venom I heard there stung like acid on my skin.
"I want the three of us to be together. I want to go to New York and see what opportunity that place holds for me. I want you to take me in your arms and tell me that, even though we're both scared, that we'll be okay. That we are going to get through this and one day tell our grandchildren about this day and how silly we both were." He just stared at me like I was speaking another language; not moving or reaching for me like he'd usually would. "But that's not going to happen, is it?" He shook his head no. He couldn't even say the words. So I said them for him and each word pierced my heart like a sword. "So? We're really just going to walk away from each other and that's that?"
He sat there staring into his coffee mug like it held the secrets of the universe.
"Okay, then. I accept your decision, Edward. It's killing me, but I guess I don't have any other choice."
"That's just it, Bella! You do have a choice! You can choose to stay here and live the wonderful life you have here rather than chase some dream!"
"No, I can't, Edward, and sitting here having this conversation with you makes it even more clear."
The silence between us was more than I could take. I stood up with my mug. He looked up at me,
his face was hard and I hardly recognized him.
"I have to go. Darcy will be waiting for me." Halfway through the condo I turned back to tell him that I loved him, but he wasn't looking at me any more. He had made his choice and I'd made mine. The saddest part of it all was we really wanted the same thing- each other. We just wanted to take different paths to get there.
~oOo~
The rest of my week was spent making phone calls and arrangements. The end of the school year was just three weeks away and I was due to be in New York by the last week of June. My first performance was set for the July Fourth weekend. That gave me a little over a week after school wrapped up to be settled in my new temporary home. The symphony had arranged for me to stay for the summer in an apartment they owned near Lincoln Center. Renee was eager to help me pack up the few things I'd be taking along with me and anything else I might need would be shipped soon after I arrived. I'd spoken with my principal and she was genuinely excited for all this opportunity held, although disappointed to see me leave. She assured me that, should I want to return in the fall that my position would be open. They'd be appointing an interim director of the music program at the school.
Darcy and Chaucer were coming with me. I had considered leaving them with Renee and Phil, but there was no way I could be without my boys for that long. It made me nervous to think about them traveling, but my parents reminded me that airlines transported animals all the time. I looked forward to Saturdays in Central Park with Mr. D, and watching Chaucer as he observed traffic roll under the windowsill he would love sunning himself on. Even with all the heartache surrounding my leaving, I was genuinely excited about the new adventure I was embarking on.
I'd received mixed reactions to the announcement that I was moving. For the most part the Cullens were supportive. Alice was insistent on visiting me in the city and Esme decided it would make for a fun girls' weekend to all come up and watch me perform and spend a few days together. Emmett cornered me after I told the family, and true to his pain in the ass nature, had to give me a hard time. "Are you sure about this, Bellapepper? This is huge."
"Yeah, Em, I'm sure, and I thought we agreed that you'd stop with the retarded nicknames and I was going to stop telling complete strangers that you'd suffered a head injury."
"Shut it, you love my nicknames." The smirk on his smirky face was almost as annoying as the crushing weight of the arm he wrapped around my shoulders.
"No, I really don't," I countered, wresting out of his hold. "They're stupid and they don't make any sense."
"Fine. No more nick names. Now talk to me. Why are you jumping ship?" His suddenly serious demeanor took me aback.
"I'm not, I'm just doing what I think is best, Em."
"Okay, then help me to see it that way, too, so I can have your back."
"I don't want to leave all of this. This life I live is damn near perfect, but I've got to see if I can do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing."
"Alright," He nodded his head thoughtfully, "That's not so hard to understand. Go then. But so help me, if you get to New York and turn into some sarcastic, snooty, foul mouthed bitch I will never speak to you again."
"Too late. I'm already sarcastic and snooty; not to mention I'm been known to drop an F-bomb or two."
"You make a valid point. Just promise to keep in touch; I've gotten used to the annoying way you laugh and I'm really gonna miss that fish thing you do with your lips."
"Aw, Em! You say the sweetest things to me. You're like the Gail to my Oprah."
"Hold it, sister! If anyone in this duo is Oprah, it is me! I'm way more popular and shit!"
"Just keep telling yourself that, my friend, and maybe you'll start believing it," I shoved him as hard as I could but the mountain didn't move. Where was Mohamed when you needed him? "Seriously, though, Em, promise me you'll keep an eye on Edward. This is going to really suck. I'm worried he's gonna shut down after I leave, and that scares me."
"He'll be fine. What's the worst thing that could happen? So he might go all emo and broody and start snapping at people. Wait, how would that be any different than how he is now?" I shot him a look that clearly said, "Don't go there."
"Just keep the Ice Queen away from him and Mini, okay? That's your job."
"Give me the dirty jobs, why don't you? I'm not sure why you hate her so much, Bella." The next look I gave him could have been considered deadly. He chuckled, "I mean, everyone loves her! She's even rated 'E- For everyone'. You know, 'cause she's a skank?" I couldn't help but laugh at a skanky Jessica joke. They were like little nuggets of gold.
"Thanks, man. You know I love you, right? And that I'll miss you."
"No you won't, silly Bella! We'll always have Skype."
"And texting," I reminded him.
"And gchat," he countered.
"Okay, okay," I conceded, throwing my hands up in surrender. "I think we both just vowed to keep in touch."
"More like constant contact."
"Deal." We sealed our deal with one of his trademark bear hugs. I was going to miss those most of all.
Rose was a little shocked that I'd even think about leaving Edward and Masen, and things were kind of tense between us for a few days while she wrestled over whether she should have been supporting her brother-in-law who was hurting or her friend who was finally living her dream. Eventually she came to me and with a tight hug assured me that she just wanted what was best for me and that everything would turn out all right in the end.
After Edward, the hardest person to tell was Masen. That boy surprised me, yet again. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks as I explained to him that I had been offered the opportunity to play with the Philharmonic over the summer. I held him and assured him that I loved him, and that I'd be back. He worried what would happen to Darcy and "the cat". It was clear from early on that Mini was a dog person. He didn't mind Chaucer, but he adored the mutt. He gave me a watery grin when he told me he thought Darcy would love spending time in the park. He was also concerned about my safety in the city; warning me about muggers and pickpockets. Oh, and the mob. He was very concerned that I could get caught up in some Mafia war. (Despite my insistence that most of the mobsters lived across the river in Jersey.) I promised him I would be careful and that I would get mace before I moved. I made him promise that he'd practice every day and I assured him that I'd suggest a few people to be his new tutor.
The rest of his class took the news pretty much as I had expected they would. They knew there was the possibility that I might not be returning at the end of the summer. Some were more upset than others, but I knew they would be all right. We would all be all right. I had to believe that. Otherwise, all of this would have been for nothing.
~oOo~
The last day of school came quickly. Quicker than I'd imagined. Everything was set for my move and all I had left to do was to tell my favorite little man goodbye. I sat down on the piano bench in our classroom and patted the seat next to me. He joined me like he had so many times before. We knew this day was coming, but now that it was here, it was harder than I'd imagined. His beautiful eyes never left mine, pleading with me to tell him it was all a mistake, a cruel joke. God, I wish it were that simple. I covered his little hands clasped tightly together in his lap with my own.
"Hey, buddy. How ya doin'?"
"I'm okay, I guess." His eyes shifted to look at his feet that swung back and forth. I noticed how he could now easily reach the floor with his toes. At the beginning of the year they were a good inch from the floor. He had grown so much this past year both physically and emotionally, not to mention that his musical talent had grown exponentially. I was so proud of the little musician he was becoming. "I just don't understand, B. Whydo you have to go?"
"Have you ever had something that you just had to do, Mini?"
"You mean, like last week when we were at the shop and I really had to pee, but Em locked me out and then tickled me until I thought I was going to wet my pants?" I couldn't help but snicker.
"Um, not exactly like that, smarty pants. This is more of a feeling than an urge." I elbowed him teasingly. "Kind of like, if I don't do this then I'll spend my whole life wondering if I should have tried it while I had the chance."
"But you're coming back, right? You'll be back in time for the new school year?"
"I don't know, little man. Maybe. There is the chance that they'll invite me to stay on longer, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. As things stand now, I'll be with the Symphony through the summer."
"I'm going to miss you so much, B."
"I know, kiddo. I'm going to miss you, too. You know it's not you that I'm leaving, right? My heart hurts thinking about being away from you, but I also know this is the right thing to do. Can you trust me?"
"I do trust you."
"Thank you, Masen." I pulled him close, reveling in the feel of his little body pressed close to mine. I felt like I could protect him from anything when he was this close to me.
How was I going to leave him? How could I walk away from this?
I had no idea how I'd survive leaving Masen and his father, but I knew I had to. I just hoped they'd forgive me for hurting them. One day.
I fingered the note I had worked on for hours, trying to write just the right words to the man I loved. We hadn't spoken since our last big blowout, but I had to reach out to him one last time. I decided a letter was the best option, that way I could say what I needed to and avoid another painful argument. How could I make him understand why I was about to tear all three of our hearts from our chests? How could I tell him that, while I loved him more than life itself, I was still leaving? I did the best I could, knowing that no matter how long I worked it or how long the letter was, he'd never understand. Hell, I still didn't fully understand. I just knew that I had to do this. With a shaky hand I handed the letter to Masen.
"Hey, M? Would you do me one last favor?"
"B, you know I'd do anything for you."
"I do, sweetie. Um, could you give this to your dad for me? It has some recommendations for a new piano tutor for you and it might explain a few things to him, but... will you wait to give it to him until I'm gone?" He looked confused, but nodded.
"Sure, Bella, I'll make sure Dad gets this, but why wait?" Damn, this kid was too smart for my own good.
Because if he gets it before then he could find me and talk me out of going, that's why.
"Well, Mase, I just need some time, okay?"
"He'll get it, B. I promise." My heart broke as I pulled his head to my chest and hugged him fiercely. Even as I fought to contain them, tears spilled from my eyes. This could be the last time I would hug this man-child who I had grown to love as a mother loves her child. I may have never been his mother, but my heart didn't know that, and right now it was shattering into a million pieces knowing I was walking away from him. His slim arms wrapped around my waist as we turned into each other's embrace.
"I love you, sweet boy. Never forget that, okay? I have loved you from the first day I met you and I always will. Maybe when this summer is over I'll come see you?"
"Would you?"
"Yeah, of course! And you can always email or call if you need your old piano teacher for anything. Not that you would."
"B, you were never just a piano teacher. You have been more of a mom to me than Jess ever was. I love you." It took everything in me to not breakdown completely right there. But Masen was just a kid. I could be strong for his sake and lose it later- when I was alone. I sucked in a ragged breath, trying to steady my voice enough to speak.
"I've loved being a part of your life Masen, and I promise you, even though I may not be where you can reach out and touch me, I will always be here for you. You can contact me anytime. Anytime. I'd love to hear how things are going back here. I love you, little man. That doesn't change because I'm moving." I could feel his small frame shaking as he cried against my shoulder, and I squeezed him a little tighter. I pressed a kiss into his unruly locks, and then another. With a deep, centering breath I held him back from me and tousled the hair I had just kissed.
"Okay, wanna play one for the road? Gentleman's choice." I grinned with joy my heart didn't feel and hoped he'd take me up on my offer, but I never imagined he'd choose that song.
"Yeah, will you sing 'Reese's Song' while I play?" I couldn't deny him. Not when he looked at me with those sad, red-rimmed eyes.
"Sure, sweetie. We can try." We turned to face the keys and his hands went straight to Middle C. Perfectly trained. He started the lullaby softly, and I prayed I could make it through the song without breaking down.
Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your Curly Que's
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
For once, it was his blue eyes I saw as I sang, not Reese's. His bronzed curls replaced her dirty blonde, and his toothy grin eclipsed the gaping smile of my beloved sister. I scooted closer to him, and wrapped my arm around his waist and rested my cheek against the soft tangle at his crown. I needed to be close to him as I sang this promise to him. He needed to hear the truth in the words, and I needed him to believe them. I promised him in song that, even though I might not be there physically, he would always be in my heart.
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
My "mother's heart" broke knowing that I would never be able to keep him safe from the world and its realities. He had suffered from so many of them already, and here I was putting him through another harsh reality of this world: people we love, leave- and life is never fair. It killed me that I was the reason he was once again faced with this reality. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom. At least when Jess had left he was too young to feel the hurt and rejection. I couldn't help but feel guilty that I was putting him through the one thing Edward had fought all his life to protect him from. My unshed tears welled up over my lashes and spilled into his hair. I sang the last lines with every ounce of feeling I had. My voice cracked and wavered from the emotion.
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
In my arms"
Even before the last notes could fade, he had turned to me and thrown himself against me- sobs wracking his little frame. I held him and cried with him. Cried for both of us and the loss of what we had, what we would never have. I didn't try to comfort or shush him. I just let him cry. I continued to whisper over and over, "I will always love you" until he had no tears left to shed. When I pulled back to look at him he gave me a sad half-grin that reminded me so much of his father.
"I'll always love you, too... Mom."
After another long, painful hug I walked him to the bathroom to let him wash his face, then we headed to the car. I'd told Edward that I would bring him home after school. We drove the few minutes to his condo in silence. I pulled up to the front of his building to let him out. "I'll see ya in four months then, right?" He sounded so hopeful.
"Yeah, buddy, four months. And you can call, text, or email whenever you want, okay?"
"Okay. Thanks. Have fun playing in those fancy theaters!"
"I'll try, Mase." I gave him a weak smile. We shared an awkward car hug, and I told him again that I loved him. He returned the sentiment. My heart broke as I watched him climb the stoop to his condo. He stopped to turn and wave one last time, the letter I'd given him to give to Edward in his hand. I pulled away once he was safely inside, the tears already threatening to make my short trip home dangerous. I fought to keep it together and hoped Masen remembered to give Edward the letter. I considered sending him a text Sunday to remind him. Both about the letter and that I loved him. Always.
As I drove, I recalled the words I had written to the man I loved and would most likely never see again...
Dearest Edward,
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but then again, that which is best for us isn't always the easiest. There's no easy way to say or do this, because no matter what, this is going to be horrible. You may hate me for this, and I may very well be taking the coward's way out, but, Edward, I've decided to take the position with the Philharmonic. I know I should have talked to you about my final decision more, given you a proper goodbye, but my mind is made up... For once in my life I'm making a decision that I think is best for me, and following through with it. Talking to you again will only confuse and upset me, and frankly, I can't take much more drama. I couldn't just up and go, not with the way we left things. So, I'm writing you to tell you what I can't say directly to you. Please try to understand.
I love you so much. I love you to the point of distraction, Edward. I've learned that I have to learn to love myself that same way. You asked me what I was running from. I don't see it that way. Maybe I'm not running from something. Maybe I'm running to it. My entire life has been lived the way I thought I was expected to live; either to fulfill the dreams that Reese will never realize or to please someone else. I know you don't agree with my decision, and I partly understand why, but please accept why I can't let this opportunity pass me by. If for no other reason than to say that I tried to live life to the fullest. For once I need to do something because it's what is best for me. No one else but me, and if that makes me a selfish bitch then it proves that I was never good enough for you and
Masen. You both deserve only the best.
I have never let another person into my heart like I have let you. I was so messed up, and you saw past that. Your love healed me. I know who I am now because of you. I need you to know that no one could have loved me more or better. You taught me how to love and live again. You have given me my life back and now I need to live it.
Please don't come after me; don't try to change my mind. By the time you read this I will be leaving for New York. I've already said my goodbyes to Masen and everyone else. Forgive me for leaving like this; I just couldn't tell you good-bye, Edward. I understand if you'd prefer that I didn't keep in touch, but I've told Masen he can contact me anytime he needs me.
This road we have been following had to come to an end at some point. All roads do, love. I never imagined it would end here, but then again, I never imagined this ride we've been on, either. It has been a wonderful journey, but now we have to take our separate paths. I once read a quote written by Flavia Weedn that said, "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same." Thank you for leaving your footprints on my heart, Edward, and for changing me. I will always love you. Never doubt that.
~Bella
~oOo~
My phone chimed as I stood over the stove making dinner. I glanced down to see a message from Edward.
Bella, I found the letter in Masen's bag. I need to see you- NOW!
My lungs constricted and a sigh fell from my lips. The one thing I'd hoped to avoid, a dramatic goodbye, was apparently imminent. I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. I was still going to try to get out of seeing him.
I can't, Edward. I'm in the middle of cooking dinner.
I sent the text hoping he'd let it go. He didn't.
Fuck dinner! This is more important!
Like I'd said, imminent. So I went the next best plan: meet him in a public, neutral place that wasn't too far from either of us. I decided the public beach access a few miles up the road was easiest.
Fine. Meet me at the parking lot at the walk-over.
~oOo~
He stood leaning against the side of his car door. He looked as miserable as I felt. He didn't bother to look up when I pulled up next to him; just waited for me to climb off the bike and stand in front of him. We stood there, face to face for a while. Neither of us eager for what we both knew was coming. Finally he spoke first, "Why are you doing this? How can you do this?"
"I already explained everything in the letter. That's why I wrote it, Edward, so we wouldn't have to do this."
"I deserve better than a fucking 'Dear John' letter, Bella. We deserve more." I assumed he'd meant he and Masen when he said "we".
"I talked to Masen today when I gave him the letter. We've already said our goodbyes." I hoped the explanation would give him the piece of mind that I had done my best to do right by Mini and tell him a proper goodbye.
"He told me... you didn't think that you and I deserved the same chance?"
His question threw me for a loop. Of course I did, I just didn't think that seeing me again was something he'd have wanted. I sighed and rested against the seat of my bike. My stance mirrored his own.
"Honestly, Edward, I didn't think you'd want to see me again."
"What? How could you say that?"
My head snapped up and I stared at him in disbelief. "You've made it very clear how you feel about my going to New York and us being over. I just assumed you wouldn't want to see me again."
"Bella! I love you, of course I'd want to tell you goodbye! What I really want is for you to come to your senses and not go!"
"If you loved me then you'd trust that I know what I have to do, Edward. I can't take you trying to talk me out of this anymore. The plans have all been made; I've made commitments. This is happening whether you want it to or not. I'm sorry."
"I guess that's that, then! Everything's settled. You've got it all figured out. Well, all that's left then is for me to wish you good luck and tell you have a nice life, Bella." The sarcastic tone of his voice was harsh and nothing like the Edward I knew, but I knew he was hurting. This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid by writing him rather than seeing him. I didn't want our last memories of us together to be about who could hurt the other most.
"I'm not doing this, Edward. I won't fight with you. I know you're hurting and angry, but this isn't us. Just tell me goodbye and let's move on before we have the chance to say something we will definitely regret."
He just stood there, seething. Knowing I was going to have to be the one to make the first move, I pushed off my bike and took the three steps over to him, standing mere inches away. Reaching up on my toes, I pressed my lips to his jaw. He stiffened at my touch. It broke my heart and I leaned into him seeking the kind of comfort I could only find in his arms. After a few moments he relaxed and drew me closer to him. I hadn't wanted to cry, but treacherous tears flowed freely down my cheeks, soaking his shirt. We stood like that for what seemed like forever and yet not nearly long enough. All too soon I felt him kiss the top of my head.
"I love you, Bella. I wish I could have been enough, and hope you find what you need." With a final squeeze he let me go, "Goodbye. Be safe."
I nodded, assuring him that I would, "Bye, Edward. I love you."
~oOo~
It nearly killed me to get on the bike and pull away, but I had to. My chest grew tighter and tighter as my bike got further and further from where I had left him standing there, staring after me. I had tried to make Edward comprehend that I had to try this; I had to follow this overwhelming pull to do the one thing I never thought I could. So I was giving up the one thing that ever brought me peace and security. It was crazy and it was scary as hell. It was unfathomable, but it was my only option. Edward had made it my only option. It destroyed me that I was finally doing what I believed in my heart to be what I was meant to do all along, and the one person I wanted to share it with was unwilling to make the journey with me. But I could accept his reasons. For too long, my entire life to be exact, I'd lived my life for the ones I loved; done what was expected of me and what was safest. It was time to do something hard. Something for me.
I was leaving to follow my dreams, to see if I could really make it at the one thing I loved doing. Music. I couldn't be the person everyone else needed me to be. As I sped away on my bike, I could see Edward's form in my side view mirrors growing smaller and smaller. At some point I saw his tiny reflection slump against the side of his car and slide down the door. My chest constricted tighter as I watched the man I love crumble in the sand lot. Every fiber in my being cried out to go back to him, to hold him and tell him it was all a huge mistake. Each breath I took became more labored, more difficult to draw in. I felt as if a massive weight were crushing my chest, cracking my ribs and compressing my lungs so they had no hope of drawing another breath. I wasn't far from home, only a mile or so, and as I pulled into the garage I paused long enough to punch the button to lower the door again. I found my way into the house, panting and sucking at the air around me.
What had I done? He was my life. He was my air. No wonder I couldn't breathe, I had just created a self-imposed vacuum; devoid of all air. I stumbled up the stairs, actually falling and not even noticing the pain that should have shot through my legs as my shins slammed against the hard wood of the top steps. I didn't bother to try to stand. I just lay there on the landing, letting the waves of emotions from the day crash over me. Dry sobs wracked my body, each futile breath felt like my last. I have no idea how long I lay there. The first thing I noticed was the cold, moist nose of my beloved Mr. Darcy, sweetly nudging me, desperate to comfort me. I rolled to my side my ribs felt bruised and battered with each sharp intake of breath. My devoted friend didn't ask any questions; he simply laid next to me on the hard floor, joining me in my sorrow. He comforted me the only way he knew how to: he let me mourn, let me feel all I was feeling, and just let me know that he was there. The darkness of the suffering and the reality of what had happened enveloped me again and the sobs shook us both as I clutched him tightly.
The next time I surfaced from the blackness, the sky had darkened to match my mood. It seemed as if the sun had even sunk under the weight of my sadness. Every muscle in my body ached, and my head pounded from the tears and lack of oxygen. I still could not get a deep breath; I wondered if I ever would again. Mr. D lifted his head as I rolled over, moaning as my muscles cramped in protest. Just as I made a move to sit up a wave of nausea hit me, and I rushed as quickly I could to make it to the toilet before vomiting what little breakfast I had managed to choke down earlier that day. I rinsed my mouth at the sink and noticed my ever-faithful friend sitting at my feet. His massive head, resting on the counter, never moved as his gaze shifted from me to my reflection in the mirror. I realized that he hadn't been outside most of the day. Just one more failure to add to a day of massive fail. My voice was horse and scratchy when I spoke, "Come on buddy. Let's get you walked and fed, so I can end this day."
I wasn't sure why I was so eager for the day to be over. The next day wouldn't be any easier. Nor would the one after that. It would just be varying degrees of pain and loss. I let Darcy take his time outside as I fixed his dinner, leaving the door open so he could come in when he was ready. I heard a faint humming as I set his bowl down and it registered that it was my cell buzzing somewhere. I couldn't recall where I'd dropped it when I came in, hell, I didn't even recall physically setting it down. I tried to find in before it stopped buzzing. Not that I intended to answer it, but the vibrations would help make locating it a little easier. I found it under the little table I kept by the stairs. It must have slid off either from my flinging it down with my keys or- wow. The screen read:
27 missed calls
Twenty-seven? What the hell? The time flashed 8:30 PM as I accessed my missed calls screen.
Edward Cullen (15 missed calls)
Alice Cullen (10 missed calls)
Mom (2 missed calls)
I'd been home for nearly four hours. I'd lain there at the top of the stairs drifting in and out of consciousness for hours. I was numb. I looked at the voice mail screen next. Yep, just what I'd thought, there were just as many voice mails. The phone buzzed once in my hand and the memo popped up:
Edward Cullen (new message)
He'd left another one. I couldn't listen to them. Not yet. I couldn't hear his voice. I wasn't strong enough. As soon as I heard him I'd be dialing his number to beg for him to come to me. Although I didn't deserve for him to. I decided to text him and let him know I was safe when the phone buzzed again; this time a text:
Bella, please! R u at least safe at home? I'm going crazy with worry! I drove past ur house 4 times just to check on u & there haven't been any lights on. Please just give me the piece of mind that u're alright. Please! I love u. Always. ~E
I thought for a second about what my response should be.
I'm home. Came straight here. I'm sorry you were worried. I'm just-sorry. For everything... I know you do. ~B
Darcy walked in the kitchen then. He shuffled over to his bowl and sniffed at the dry food there, opting not to eat. I knew how he felt. I didn't have any appetite either. I didn't bother to turn on any lights as I shut and bolted the door. I punched in the security code in the panel and slowly made my way up the stairs. I felt Darcy follow behind me. I toed off my shoes as I stood next to the edge of the bed, slipped off my shorts and crawled onto the bed, not even bothering to crawl under the covers. I did reach over to press the button on the remote to make the shades roll down over the windows and doors, shutting out the world. I felt the bed shift as the mutt crawled up next to me. We nestled in close as the darkness around me enveloped my mood once again. The phone I clutched under my pillow sounded and I looked at the screen:
Thank, God! I was so worried! As long as u're safe. That's all that matters. I'll call again tomorrow, but u can call me anytime. I need u. We need u. I love u. ~E
I let the despair overtake me then. The tightness in my chest a vice grip on my fragile lungs. Sobbing, I chanted over and over, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."
~oOo~
