~oOo~
I need a nap. Or a giant White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks. Hell, I vote for the nap first then the coffee. Now if I can just stay awake long enough to get out of here.
It was the longest damn faculty meeting I'd ever attended. Maybe it just felt that way because I was so exhausted, but I could barely keep my eyes open. I was definitely going to need coffee to make it through the night.
Maybe, I thought, if I'm lucky, I'll fall asleep and sleep through the little "get together" I'm
supposed to attend tonight.
The teacher meeting that will be forever known as "The Meeting that Lasted Many Moons" finally came to a close. I packed up my stuff and rode home. It was necessary to stop off at Starbucks for the java, and I sat at a small round table sipping the delicious goodness that is like crack to me. My phone buzzed and I looked to see a text from Edward. My face lit up and I could feel my body temperature rise.
Can't wait for tonight! They're gonna adore you as much as I do! ~E
My heart sank and my stomached turned. I knew this was part of the deal Edward made with his sister Alice. She had agreed to keep our relationship a secret as long as we worked to bring the entire family into the loop. Tonight was just the first ring of a complicated spiral of people that had to be let in on our little secret. Okay, it was a big fucking secret, but it was ours. I really wanted our families to know about us, especially mine. My parents would love Edward. I was mostly concerned with what his family would think of me. Not that I had anything to be ashamed of, but meeting your secret boyfriend's family is always nerve wracking. Especially when said boyfriend has a nine-year-old son who happens to be your prized pupil. I had this feeling Masen would be fine with Edward and me seeing each other, but Edward was freaking out about his possible reaction.
I, on the other hand, was particularly nervous about what, if anything, I should say to my school about the two of us. After three weeks of seeing Edward I still didn't have a clear answer on how to handle the school situation. While there wasn't a "rule" against it per say, I was sure that it wouldn't be received with champagne toasts and cheers of congratulations. I hoped that bringing Alice into the loop might help me come up with a plan. But that was before I was told that Jasper, Alice's fiancé, would be joining us as well. I was cool with Alice knowing about us, but this "secret" was beginning to lose some of its "secretness". I mean, isn't the whole point of a secret the fact that nobody knows what the secret is? Or that there's even a secret to begin with? While I didn't fully understand the why of it, Jasper was part of the package now. I was consumed with nerves as the time for us all to meet drew near. Not being able to sleep wasn't helping my nerves.
The dreams, uh-nightmares, were back. I wasn't sure why now, after years having hardly any of them, they had returned. Some were just sad, heartbreaking memories of the best friend I had lost, others were terrifying as I relived the accident in horrific detail. It was after these vivid dreams that I would refuse to close my eyes. At first, the nightmares were infrequent- just blips on a radar. Lately, though, I'd been having them several times a week. Try cutting three to four nights of sleep out of your week and see how well you function. Needless to say, I was a damn mess; even my students were beginning to comment on how tired I seemed. Edward had been staying over when he could, just so we could spend a little more time together. He had shaken me awake several times, each time holding me until the fear passed and my heart rate slowed. Then in the morning over our coffee he would beg me to tell him what was haunting me. I wanted to, I almost needed to, but I couldn't. It was bad enough that my nights were tainted by the memories, I couldn't relive them in the daylight and survive. At least at night they seemed somewhat surreal, almost like they were only bad dreams instead of the gut wrenching memories they really were. I was so desperate for sleep I considered looking into getting prescription sleeping pills. I decided against it, though. The side effects of those things could be brutal and I hated how they made me feel numb. I was hoping that the dreams would just fade on their own. So far... not so fucking good.
Last night was the worst yet. The dreams had started almost immediately after I fell asleep. I doubt that I had even thirty full minutes of rest. At first I wasn't sure it was a dream, it was so vivid.
I awoke with a start, but instead of my warm bed beneath me, there was cool, grass-covered ground. Disoriented, I looked around at my surroundings. The sights and sounds came into focus, overwhelming my senses, and the bright lights glared in the darkness to illuminate the night. The air was charged with the excitement of the throngs of people around me. I pushed myself off the ground and stood. My eyes squinted as I realized that I recognized this setting. I felt my heart pounding against my sternum as the sights and sounds of the carnival settled over me, suffocating. The sounds pressed against me like walls; the squeals of children as they ran from one ride to the next, parents calling after them to wait up, the bells and dings of the games and the cheers of the winners. The shrieks of the riders as they enjoyed the thrill of adrenaline were the loudest. Off to the left I saw the Ferris wheel and line of ticket holders eager to board the ride. I had always loved the Ferris wheel; you could see the whole city from up there, and it almost felt like flying. At least to an eight-year-old it did. I scanned the line looking for the two familiar forms I knew I would find there: two young girls. My eight-year-old self stood patiently waiting her turn to ride, holding the hand of her little sister, Reese.
I tried desperately to call out to them, to stop them from getting on the ride, but the words were choked off before they could escape. The two girls inched forward in line. Although I was hundreds of feet away from them, I could clearly see every detail and hear their conversation as if I were right next to them. The older girl placed her arm lovingly around the shoulder of her sister, urging her along. Reese was so tiny and beautiful. They were dressed similarly: both in jeans and matching lightweight sweaters to ward off the chill in the autumn air. I remembered those sweaters well. They were our favorites.
Young Bella tried to comfort a nervous Reese, "Don't be afraid, Reese! It’s just a Ferris
wheel, silly. I've ridden this ride tons of times. I even rode it by myself!" She was very proud that she was finally old enough to do this thing, and so excited that she could share this with her favorite person in the world.
"I know, but it’s so high, Sissy. I don't like to be that high," Reese's little voice sounded even smaller than usual, and her big sister wrapped her arm around her, and pulled her into her side.
"I promise nothing will happen. It's fun! It's almost like you can fly! You can hold my hand the whole time, and just close your eyes if you get scared."
Little Reese looked up at the person she loved most in the world after her mommy and daddy. A tentative smile spread slowly across her face, showing off her dimples perfectly. "Okay, Sissy. Just please don't rock the box?" Her eyes shot up at some rowdy boys who were making their bucket seat rock wildly.
"Don't worry, Babycakes, I don't like that either. We'll sit very still and look at the lights. It’s so pretty lit up at night! You'll love it! I promise!"
Reese wasn't convinced, but it was their turn to get on. The boys jumped out of their blue seat, vacating it for the girls. They handed the kind looking, burly man their tickets and climbed up into the seat. Reese whimpered a little when it swung from their shifting weight. I tried to cry out to them again, tried to scream for them to get off, or at least to not choose that seat. But my voice would not cooperate.
The ride operator locked the bar across their laps and pushed the button for the seat to advance so the next set of riders could board. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. They climbed higher and higher. Reese was a little frightened, but was being brave so that her sissy would be proud of her. She felt like such a big girl sitting up so high, rising up into the sky. Her fear would seep out each time the ride stopped or started, and she'd squeal quietly. She would grasp at her sister's hand each time the seat moved and once, after a very shaky start she threw her arms around the other girl's waist as she buried her face in her sweater.
"It's okay, Reese, we're safe up here. They wouldn't let us ride if it wasn't safe." She soothed the long brown hair of the scared child. It was the same shade as her own, but Reese's had ribbons of cooper running through it, while hers were blond. "Look out at the pretty lights! We can see the Bridge of Lions and the Cathedral. Oooh! Look, Reese! The lighthouse is so cool!"
Reese looked up where her sister pointed, but didn't let go of her stranglehold. "Uh- huh, it’s very pretty.... Can we get down now?"
"Not yet, they just got everyone on. Now we get to go around a few times. I promise it won't stop again until it's time to get off."
They rode it around several times, each time waving to their parents as they rose near the top. On their second time around, as they began their ascent, there was a loud groaning and the girls felt their seat bounce in a way that was different from the other movements. Reese squealed loudly and tightened her grip on her sister. Little Bella spoke soothing words to her sister that she didn't quite believe herself. They tried to relax and reassure each other that they were indeed safe as their seat crested the top of the arc, but as it did they heard a second groan, this one much louder than the first. I desperately wanted to run to them, to warn the stupid carnival goers that a great tragedy was about to take place, or to stand beneath them and try to prevent what I knew was about to unfold. But I was cemented to the ground. My feet could not move, and my vocal chords continued to betray me. My pleas to help the girls were held hostage.
Without warning there was a loud crack and the blue seat holding the girls dipped precariously to the side. Screams pierced the air and all eyes flew to look up at the two small children clinging to the seat that now swung from only a single set of bolts. Chaos erupted beneath them as carnies ran to clear the area beneath the Ferris wheel. The ride was still turning, causing the seat to swing harder. The ride operator slammed his fist down onto the red button that would bring the ride to a stop. He had no way of knowing that this action would have catastrophic results.
The world seemed to move in slow motion. The wheel came to a halt, and the seat jerked to the side, slamming into the framework of the Ferris wheel. Another wave of screams ripped through the crowd. The girls clung to the side of the seat, but Reese struggled to hang on. Her grasp was slipping; she cried out to little Bella to help her. There wasn't time for Bella to even try to grab the younger girl. A deafening boom sent my hand flying to cover my ears. Choruses of gasps and "Oh, dear God"s filled my ears, countless bodies blurred in motion as everyone rushed to the direction of the Ferris wheel. Just as the backs of countless onlookers blocked my view, I was seemingly transported to the scene they were all gaping at. I didn't need to see it, I could already picture it with perfect clarity. Yet, the wall of people parted and I saw in front of me the image that was already burned into my mind. My stomach lurched at the thought of what had just happened. I covered my face with my hands to shield my eyes.
I fell to my knees. Desperately I tried to make myself go to them, but I could not. I was forced to remain a helpless onlooker. There was the blood chilling sound of a mother wailing across from me. Screaming her pleas for her children to be alright, demanding that her husband release his hold on her so that she could go to them.
The two girls lay broken and motionless. Their already tiny bodies seemed even more insignificant. The older sister lay unconscious several feet from the other. She had been thrown clear of the weight of the seat before it crashed into the soft sod. Her legs contorted in unnatural angles, one arm crushed beneath her. The other hand extended out to the smaller form of her beloved sister which was only half visible, her lower half buried, crushed by the weight of the metal seat. Everything fell silent in the chaos. The only sound I heard was that of my own heart. Paramedics arrived at the scene, and frantically worked to help the children. The seat was lifted from the fragmented shape beneath it, but it was too late. Reese was gone.
A quiet moan escaped from the broken girl only a few feet away as she slowly regained consciousness. The others around her struggled to hear what she was softly crying, but I knew. I knew it better than any sound I'd ever heard or would ever hear again. "Reese? Reese?" She continued to call to her sister. When Reese didn't answer her cries became louder, hysterical, but still only the child's name. "Reese! Reese!"
Reese was perfectly still. There was no movement, not even a breath to expand her small chest. There she was, dead before me. I wanted to look away from the heartbreaking scene, but my eyes were locked onto the image of the crushed and battered body before me. My arms ached to cradle her and rock her as I recalled doing when we were both so much smaller. I reached out to brush away the hair that covered her sweet face, but she was just out of arm's reach. One team of paramedics worked to stabilize the survivor. She was severely injured and quickly succumbing to shock. They would learn that she had suffered a shattered pelvis, multiple fractures in her left arm, nine fractures in her right leg and thirteen in the left. The other team of emergency workers moved to shield the broken remains of the beautiful child that lay lifeless only a few feet away on the cold, damp ground. Her mother screamed, inconsolable as the men covered the child’s tiny frame with a crisp white sheet. Not only had I just watched, helpless, as this angelic creature died before my eyes, but I had seen it all through the eyes of my eight year old self, who lay crumpled on the ground. The heartache was doubled. I collapsed into myself, silence engulfing me again. My heartbeat thudded in my ears and was joined by the sound of another, smaller heart. It was that of the young girl hysterical for the reassurance that her baby sister was safe. The two hearts beat in rhythm together. Both breaking and cracking into shards. It was then the crying broke through the silence. Loud, keening sobs. It took me waking from this nightmare to realize it was me who was crying.
~oOo~
Life continued at its usual pace, despite the fact that my nightmares had returned and I was getting less sleep. There was no slowing down, and apparently there was no turning back, either, now that Edward had confided in Alice about our relationship. It was actually nice knowing that someone knew about the two of us, but I was a little nervous about what she would think of me. I had always been concerned with being "good enough". My entire life had been a quest for acceptance and approval -- a life long effort to make amends. That's not entirely true; before the accident I was a pretty damn confident child. It wasn't until afterwards that I pined for the acceptance of those around me. In school I was the perfect student, the teacher's pet, but not is the ass kiss kind of way. My friends had said that I could get along with anyone. Renee, my mom, had called me a peace keeper. Music was my passion, and I strived for perfection there especially. Even in those bleak years just after losing Reese I would sit for hours at our upright and work complicated pieces over and over again until they were flawless. Mom would plead with me to "give it a rest", but I would stay at the bench, my fingers moving silently over the keys. What I need more than anything else was the approval of my parents. Their love. Even though I didn't deserve of it, I did everything else in hopes that they would see the daughter who was still here instead of the blinding void the other daughter had left.
Things hadn't always been so damn depressing. We had been really happy once. Arizona was a great place to grow up. Near constant sunshine, open spaces, happy family. But that was before. Before I.... Even after all those years had passed, I still struggled with all the pain and hurt I'd caused. Hell, even my parents couldn't bear it. For years and years I'd hoped that the aching that I saw in my parents' eyes would fall away and they would see the little girl who needed them. After the accident they tried to continue on as if nothing had changed, but nothing was the same. We all knew that things would never be the same. Before there were endless hugs and kisses, tender words, family game nights, trips to the Fall fair when we visited the grandparents in Florida.... For the longest time hugs weren't possible. My little body had been so broken. It took thirteen surgeries over a span two years to help my bones knit back together as best as they could just so I could walk again. But no surgery could knit our family back together. We were irrevocably shattered. Mom withdrew into herself, and when she wasn't working she was sleeping. In an effort to not disturb her, Dad spent more and more time away from home. The hugs stopped, tender words were replaced by terse and hushed accusations. Any time we had spent together as a family unit dissolved. There would come a time when I thought that I'd imagined that perfect family picture. Worse still, I'd imagine that I'd imagined her. Only the sobs that wafted from my mother's room each night testified to the loss we had all suffered. When Reese died we all died in some way. Our perfect family was buried with the beautiful child whose funeral I was too battered to attend. Mom and Dad divorced not long after my last surgery. Looking back now, I can't believe they lasted two years. Dad went back to his childhood home in Forks, Washington. Mom and I packed up and headed for Florida. Mom's parents had retired there. Mom said she couldn't stand live in our house any longer and that she needed their help raising "a kid like me." She never clarified what she meant by that, but I had a good idea. Those two years with Mom and Dad together were unbearable. It was almost a relief when they came to me to tell me that they were divorcing.
My guilt over the accident and all that resulted from it was monumental. There were shrinks, doctors, priests, teachers, grandparents who all tried to help me release the crushing sense of responsibility I felt: the depression, the intense mourning, the aching loss. It was when I moved to Forks and started high school that I was sent back to the psychiatrist. For the most part I had been able to deal with the pain, but my freshmen year everything seemed to start welling up to the surface again. The shrink had told Renee that I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that I had never dealt with the demons from the accident. She was right, but I had done a pretty damn good job of holding them at bay. I did that the only way I could think to; I lived the life my little sister would never have the opportunity to live. The opportunity that I had taken from her when I convinced her to do something she really hadn't wanted to do at all. Every time I sat down behind a piano I played like it was my last. Each time I took a test I stared at the page knowing I had done everything in my power to get the best grade possible, because this was knowledge Reese would never learn. So when I started high school, one more thing that Reese would never do, it seemed to trigger the nightmares of my childhood. The doc had prescribed a mild sedative to help me sleep, but I didn't like the way they made me feel in the morning. My saving grace in high school had been my girlfriends. That first year I met some of the most amazing people. It was their love, silly giggles, makeover laden sleepovers, countless movie marathons, and a multitude of all around normal teenage girl experiences that got me through that time. I would forever be grateful to Kat and Bri for holding me while I cried and finally mourned the loss of the one person I wanted to be able to experience those things with. Even though they had no idea the truth behind my tears. No one fully knew. It was my burden alone.
Music was a salve on the raw skin of my soul. It was when I played that I felt closest to her. It was "our thing" and it was bitter sweet. That connection between us is what had led me to teaching. I have crystal clear memories of Reese and me "playing school" and her always wanting to be the teacher. Of course I was happy to play the role of the student. I would have done anything to see her smile. The combination of teaching and music was the perfect one for me, and another connection to Reese. While I bitched about meetings, mountains of papers to grade, and lesson plans, it was where I wanted to be. At first my teaching had everything to do with my sister and my life's work of trying to fix the mess I had made out of all of our lives. I'd been told too many times how Reese's death wasn't my fault. There were times when I thought I would literally fucking explode if I was told that again. I wasn't stupid. In fact I was actually considered somewhat of a child genius: thanks to a higher than “normal” IQ and that I’d been dubbed a child prodigy when it came to music. God how I hated those labels. All I had ever wanted was to be known as a daughter and sister. Those were the only two labels that mattered to me. Thanks to choices I made I had lost both. Hell, I knew that I hadn't purposefully killed the one person who had loved me with abandon, but that didn't change the part I had played in the fact that Theresa Maria Swan's life had been cut short after only five brief years.
Now my life was entering a new phase, one where I was once again living the life she never would. Maybe that was why the nightmares were back. They seemed to return when the winds of change blew through, and boy were they a blowin'! I was falling in love. At least I was pretty fucking sure that I was. How the hell could I know for sure? It had only been a matter of weeks, and I had never been "in love" before. Sure I'd cared for guys before, but things were different with Edward. I was different with Edward. I had this feeling that my life wouldn't be the same. Not after what I had been feeling lately. Especially now that Edward was in my life. And especially after I met Alice. I was in for quite a ride myself.
~oOo~
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