Aliases and Alliances

~oOo~

Two weeks. Two long weeks.

It’s not like I couldn’t go without sex. Hell, I could rub one out like no one’s business, but what I really wanted was Bella. I understood and agreed with Bella’s argument that we needed to get to know each other. I felt the same way, but it didn’t change the fact that each and every time I was near her I was sporting major wood. That woman had a hold over me like no other.

I had settled for showing her how I felt in other, less sexual ways. We’d met several times in the past few weeks. We would sneak off together at every possible chance. Sometimes we would grab dinner, other times we would go to Freebird’s to hear a local band play, but mostly we’d hang out at her house and just spend time alone. When we weren’t squeezing in time together, then we were texting or emailing. I’d even signed up for a Twitter account because she loved the damned social network thing. My username was RideItHard and Bella’s was SwanSong87. I loved tweeting her suggestive messages and then watching her “tweeps”, as she called them, go ape shit asking who the perv was sending her dirty messages through Twitter. I loved it even more when she would reply with an equally dirty message. Her friends had seen the messages too, and were desperately trying to figure out who Bella's mystery man was. Either that or they were hitting on me! AD76, megsly07, Dizzygrl28, lee723, and the curvaceous Bqotfu were all following me, and it was rare that I didn't get a tweet from one or all of them each day.

It amazed me how I reacted to her, that my skin still tingled at her chaste touch, or that my heart would slam against my ribcage when I saw her. She could drive me crazy simply by looking at me a certain way. I'd sent her flowers twice. The first time I sent them to the school, only to get a text message that profusely thanked me for the beautiful gesture in one line, and in the next, threatened to endanger my ability to procreate in the future. I’ll admit that it probably wasn’t the best fucking idea I ever had, but at least I’d had the common sense to not sign it from me. I had the florist sign the card, “A bloom for each time I think about you in a day. ~The Peen.” I couldn’t be too big of a sap. Someday, when Emmett and Jasper found about us, and they would find out, I didn’t want to be providing them with any more fodder than abso-fucking-lutely necessary. Those two asstards could be ruthless. The second arrangement had been sent to her home, but I played it safe and signed that one from “The Peen” as well. Those flowers received a much warmer reception; that night I had been rewarded with a pic of Bella with one of the flowers tucked behind her ear. She was beautiful.

As difficult it was for me to keep my hands off Bella, the sexbargo was definitely doing what it was designed to do. We talked about everything. Masen was a topic that came up often in our discussions. Bella wanted to know what he was like when he was younger; she asked when I had first noticed he had a special talent, and what it was like raising a child like Masen. We talked about our families. I warned her about my crazy- as- fuck family, and she filled me in on hers. Old relationships of fuck-ups past were discussed, and I even talked to her about Jessica. A little. I thought it was too soon to be discussing the biggest mistake I’d made in my lifetime. I wanted to find reasons for this woman to stick around, not run her off. More than once I’d fallen asleep in Bella’s bed after we'd talked for hours, her tucked beneath my arm. It was a constant battle between “Woody” and “Goody”, the two personalities that had become most dominate in my character. Woody was the horny fucker who would threaten to force Goody to do bad, bad things to Ms. Bella Swan. Goody was the caring, supportive boyfriend who did everything in his power to hold Woody at, um- arm’s length from Bella’s lady bits. Goody usually won, but there were the moments when Woody would overpower the forces of good, and then hands would start cupping and groping, lips would be roaming, and hips would begin rubbing.

It was just such a night last night as Bella and I lay wrapped up in her fluffy comforter. We were talking about when we might want to tell our families about us seeing each other. I had the feeling it might need to be sooner than later, because of what Rose and Em had seen in the parking garage a few weeks back. Em had been ribbing me non-stop since he’d caught a glimpse of me pressing Bella back against her Porsche on Tuesday.

“So, who’s the hot bitch, mister “Imma Going Camping?”

“Don’t call her that; and what the hell are you talking about camping for?”

“Ooooh. Sorry, man! I had no idea you were so sensitive about a woman we, your family, didn’t even know you were seeing, much less banging. And before you deny it, the tent you’re pitching in those pants is a clear sign that you're either doing her or dying to. So, spill it!” I glanced nervously around the shop, worried that someone may have overheard the ass that stood before me.

Fuck, had no one taught this guy how to use his "inside voice"?

I answered him in hushed tones, hoping he'd take the hint and lower his own booming voice.

“I’m not ‘banging’ anyone, Em, and I’d rather not discuss the situation right now. I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t mention any of this around Masen. I’m not ready to bring him into this yet.”

Well, it was true; I wasn’t banging Bella at the moment. And I wouldn't tell Emmett even if I was. Not to mention that the second I told my drain bramaged brother that I was seeing his nephew’s teacher he’d be down at that school, scoping her out before the bell rang at the start of school. Nosy son of a....

“I’m warning you, brother. You either tell me, or I find out on my own, and you know what happens when I have to work for my information.”

“Yeah, Em, you become a pissy bitch."

"That's right, I do. So.... ?"

"So, what, Emmett? I'm so not going to divulge any information, so just build a fucking bridge and get over it."

"I swear, Eddie boy, you've been acting so bizarre lately. Like, really bizarre. Were you abducted by aliens, or something?"

"Do not call me 'Eddie', Emmie! You're an asshat, and I have not been acting any differently. What is this shit about an alien abduction? You've been watching the Sy-Fy channel again, haven't you? You know that shit's not real, right? I swear, you must be adopted. You are the bizarre one!"

My big oaf of a brother whacked the back of my head with his oversized gargantuan hand. Not gonna lie, that shit hurt, but I'd be damned if I'd let him know that.

"Shut it, little bro. You've already admitted to me that you and Little Miss Fuck Hot are knocking boots, just by your reaction earlier. Why don't you just take off your mangina and tell your big bro all about the pretty thang you had shoved up against that orgasmic piece of machinery?"

"Fuck off, Emmett. I'm not telling you anything, and the more you push, the more I'm gonna want to kick the shit out of you. No means no, buddy. Didn't Dad have that talk with you when you started having warm, tingly feelings 'down there'?" I gestured to his nether regions with a nod of my head.

It took Alice's voice lilting over the PA system to enact a truce between the two of us.

"Would the panty wearing pussies who are currently fighting over whose dick is bigger, cut it the fuck out? Just whip 'em out already and see whose is bigger instead of subjecting the rest us to your dicksaber battle? Then get back to work, and get some shit done today! Thank you!"

Jasper's laughter could be heard all the way across the garage. He couldn't help but throw his two cents in.

"You know he's gonna find out, Edward. He's a sneaky little 'asshat'. He'll go to any lengths to get the inside scoop. He's like Perez Hilton, on steroids!"

The garage was filled with Jasper's laugh, once again; this time it was joined by a choir of other booming laughs from around the garage.

Emmett was called "Perez" for the rest of the week. It was a fuckawesome week.

Since we’d had that conversation, Emmett had tried to trick me into spilling the beans about Bella every chance he got. It was annoying as hell, but I was onto his scheme. I was very careful as to which details I let slip around him and the others. It's not easy to have a secret rendezvous when you have a nine year old son. It was obvious to me, fairly quickly, that I needed someone in my corner that would help. The first person who came to mind was my sister, Alice.

She was the baby of the family, though only by a few minutes. We were twins, and never were there two very different twins. I was quiet, mostly- I reserved my redonkulous antics for my family; while Alice was hyper, obnoxious, and very opinionated. At six feet, two inches I was a fairly tall guy. Alice on the other hand- she was a tiny troll. A mere four feet, eleven inches, she was barely taller than my son. She really wasn't a troll. Hell, we shared a womb for nine plus months. It's pretty safe to say that if one of us were a short, bitchy, bridge dwelling fictional character the other would know it, or probably be one as well. I just loved calling her one because it was a quick way to piss her off. Once, I had even given her one of those troll kewpie dolls with the crazy hair and naked ass. She was not amused.

Regardless of who gave whom a hard time, we were two sides of the same coin. At least that's what Mom had always said. As a whole, Alice, Emmett and I were all very close. Hell, we all lived in the same damn condo complex, worked together, and spent the majority of our free time together. That being said, Alice and I had a bond, I guess all twins do, really, and we never were ones to fight. Emmett and I would beat the shit out of each other when we were kids, just for shits and giggles. But Alice and I were always each other's biggest champions. We were always straight with each other. It was Alice who convinced the family to tell me how they felt about Jessica when we were first dating and getting serious; although I didn't listen. It was Alice who convinced me that, as much as I loved Jess, there was no way I could force her to love Masen and I back. It was Alice who understood when I mourned my failed marriage. And it was Alice who had been badgering me for longer than I could fucking remember to get back into a serious relationship.

"Edward, you're not the 'confirmed bachelor' type. You need the love of a good woman in yours and Masen's life. Stop whoring around and find someone who can take care of you both."

"I think Masen and I do a pretty fucking fantastic job of taking care of each other, Alice. Why would we need a woman to do that?"

"You know what I mean, asshole. Masen needs a mother figure. Sure- Mom, Rose, and I all mother him, but he needs someone to sing him to sleep, make him cookies, and kiss his boo-boos."

"You guys do all of that for him, and I used to sing him to sleep. Then he 'grew out of it.'"

"It's not the same thing, and you know it. He needs a mom, so grow some balls and find one.

I knew that I needed to bring Alice into the loop. She would be in my corner, as always. She'd help me keep this thing with Bella secret a little longer so we could have more time to figure things out before my crazy ass family bulldozed their way into the middle of it. She could help with keeping Masen occupied when Bella and I were trying to squeeze in time together. Best of all, she could help keep Emmett off my ass. He was a nosey fucker, considering he had the wrong damn plumbing. You'd think he had a uterus as much as he was all up in other people's business! So I went to the one person I knew could and would help. Alice.

A week into seeing Bella I'd sent Alice a text. I didn't want anyone overhearing our conversation. I couldn't decide if I felt more like James Bond or a horny ass teenager sneaking around behind everyone's back.

I need to talk with you in *private*. Meet me at Starbucks at 3PM. Thanks. ~E

I received the shortest text ever in response, "K." I was shocked, but I knew that she would keep her trap shut and be there.

She was sitting at a back table with two large cups of coffee in front of her, as well as a rather large piece of the most delicious looking carrot cake I had ever fucking seen. I sat down and took the lid off my cup. Men don't drink from sippy cups, and that's exactly what that shit looked like. A sippy cup. The scent of pumpkin spice drifted up as I breathed in the steam. I would have never ordered this for myself, but it was just what I needed.

"How the hell do you always know exactly what I want from here?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Twinsie."

"Please don't fucking call me that in public, and yes, you do know what I'm talking about. Every time, without fail, you pick out the perfect cup of coffee. It's not like I get the same thing every time like Jasper or Rose. Yet, every time I ask you to get me some SB crack, you bring me back exactly what I'd been craving. Sometimes, I don't even know that I'm craving it! It's like you have a sixth sense."

"You're strange, Edward. Do you know that?"

"So I've been told. But, seriously, Alice, how did you know that I'd been thinking about carrot cake all day?"

"I didn't, Edward. The cake's for me. Touch it and you'll draw back a nub."

She eyed me with the look of a Samurai warrior. It was hard not to laugh at her.

"Oh, please! Like you could stop me! Besides, you cannot finish that entire piece of cake yourself."

"Watch me, nimrod, and I swear if you touch it.... bloody stump. Try. Me."

"Whoa! Must be 'that time,' huh? Fine. Eat your giant piece of fucking delicious cake, or should I just stick it to your ass? That's where it's going to end up anyway."

It must have really been that time of the month, 'cause Alice shot me a look that almost killed me it so was lethal, and then she took a huge bite of her cake.

"Talk or I'm leaving. I have better shit to do than sit here with you, Pumpkin Spice."

"Okay, okay! For the love of all that is sweet and yummy, I'll get my own damn piece of cake, and then we'll talk, ok?"

"Whatever."

When I sat down with my equally enormous slice of heaven, Alice cut to the chase.

"So, why the secret meeting, Bond?"

"Well, there's something I wanted to talk to you about, but I don't want the rest of the family to know. Yet."

"Really? What's the big deal? Hmmm.... Eddie has a secret; I wonder what it could be.... SHIT! You aren't doing Jessica again, are you? You'd better say no, and say it fast, mister, or that scalding coffee is going all over your lap. I'll make it so you can never stuff that sausage anywhere ever again."

She moved to reach for my cup, but I snatched it out of her reach.

"Fuck no! This sausage is never going near that clam cave ever again, of that you can be damn sure!"

"So, what's the big secret?"

"I met someone."

"Okayyy..."

"Ali, she's amazing. No. She's fan-fucking-tastic. I've never met anyone like her. She's everything I've always dreamed of and never knew I wanted at the same time."

Alice stared at me, her mouth hanging open a little. She slowly lowered her cup of coffee and looked up at me.

"Wow, Edward. That's.... wow. I did not expect that. So, who is she? Do I know her? Tell me about her? How long have you been seeing her?"

"Alice! Slow down! Do you even want me to answer, or are you just spewing questions? Damn, woman!"

"Sorry, E. I'm just a little shocked, that's all. I wasn't expecting that to be what you wanted to tell me. Tell me about her. Start with her name."

I fidgeted with my iPhone. I'd been checking Twitter like, every ten seconds just to see of she'd posted anything. I looked down at the screen- and she had.

SwanSong87: Missing someone special. Feels like ages since I held you last. :hugs:

"Edward?"

"Oh, uh, her name is Bella. Bella Swan, and she's.... beautiful."

"Wow. I.... have nothing else to say. I'm speechless. Where did you meet her?"

"At Masen's school..."

"Wait! Swan. Bella Swan? Isn't that Masen's teacher?"

"Yeah, and she tutors him twice a week. We met when I went in for that parent-teacher conference a few weeks back. She and I kinda hit it off right away, I guess, and we've been spending what little time we can together every chance we get."

"So does Masen know about this?"

"No! No one does. Well- now you do, but that's it."

I looked down at the paper napkin I was shredding in my hands. I was surprised by her next line of questioning. I was beginning to feel like I was in front of a fucking firing squad. Hell, that shit might have hurt less than this.

"Is Bella the woman you were accosting against the Porsche the other day?"

I looked Alice right in her beady little troll eyes. I should have known Emmett had run his fucking mouth about that. I wanted to be sure she got this shit straight.

"I was not accosting her, and yes, that was Bella. Alice, Bella isn't just some chick. She's.... well, she's really important to me."

"Edward, don't take this the wrong way, but how important can she be? You just met her! Are you two sleeping together?"

"I don't see where that's any of your damn business, Ali, but no, we aren't. At least not now."

"Not now? But you were?"

My tone was hard, but low when I answered her.

"Alice! You are getting on my last fucking nerve! These ridiculous questions are getting us nowhere. Shut it and listen, I'm only saying this once!"

My sister picked up her coffee and eyed me over the lid as she sipped, probably so she wouldn't be tempted to interrupt. I took a deep breath before I started; partly to calm myself, but mostly so I had enough air to say everything I wanted to in one breath.

"I met Bella in the P/T meeting. I can't explain it, hell, neither of us can, but there was an instant connection. We've been seeing each other ever since. Yes, we have slept together, but we decided to call a sexbargo until we can have a chance to know each other a little better. I can't get her off my mind! I think about her constantly. I worry that she's okay. I wonder what Masen will think when he finds out. I'm scared to death that the bozos who are our family members will scare her off. But most of all... Most of all I'm positive that she'll realize what a fuck up I am and never speak to me again. This woman is special, Alice. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew. Something about her sings to me."

I shook my head at the monologue I'd just spewed at the back table of a Starbucks. Alice's voice was soft and tentative when she spoke. Not the usual overly perky, demanding tone she usually had.

"So, you're like, really into her?"

"Yeah."

"But you barely know her."

"That's not true. It's amazing what you can learn about a person when you aren't thinking of ways to get into their pants every second of the day. It's just all very new, that's all. I want to know everything about this woman; spend every minute I can with her. That's why I'm telling you. Only you, Alice."

"Okay, I get it. This is a secret. I can keep a secret. What? I can! Don't raise your bushy eyebrows at me! Just tell me what you need from me."

"Mostly I need you to keep a lid on this, but I need you to help cover for me, hold Emmett at bay- throw him off the trail if he starts sniffing around and getting nosy. Bella and I want to keep this quiet a little longer, and Em doing his impression of a bloodhound won't help. You are literally the only other person who knows about this, and a lot is at stake if we were to let everyone in on this before we're ready. There are Masen's feelings and Bella's job to consider."

"Oh, God. Could Bella lose her job over this?"

"We're not positive. I would imagine so, though."

My iPhone buzzed just then. It was a text from Bella.

Think we could meet tonight? I miss you... ~B

I started forming a plan to meet with Bella in my mind. Alice broke my concentration.

"Is that Bella?"

"Yeah, she wants to meet tonight. Alice, do you think you could occasionally cover for me so Bella and I could spend some time together? Maybe watch Masen for me?"

She had that "I'm gonna make you squirm, brother" look in her eyes. It worked; I was squirming.

"You mean starting tonight?"

"Uh, that would be great, if you can...."

"Okay, here's the deal.... I'll do everything I can to help you and Bella out. I've never seen you react to someone this way, Edward. If you need me to watch Mini Me for you, I can do that. If you need me to distract our ape of a brother to keep him from sticking his nose up your ass, then I can do that too. I will not lie for you, though, nor will I watch this go on forever. In other words... you have one month, ONE, to come clean to the family and Bella's school. By that I mean that we will have a family dinner where we will all be present, as well as Bella. At some point within that timeframe Bella will have to tell whoever the hell she should tell about this. The longer you two wait, the worse the backlash will be."

"I agree, Ali. It will be worse the longer we wait to tell people. Thanks, sis. I knew you'd understand. I'm a little surprised that you didn't give me a harder time about this, though."

"I'm not a bitch, E, I just like to watch you squirm every now and then;, I am your sister."

"Little sister, in so many ways."

"Alright, watch yourself, prick, or I'll go all 'little sister' on your ass and make you sorry you ever told me this secret of yours."

I held my hands out in front of me. Keeping her at arm’s length.

"Oooh! Okay, okay! I get the point!"

"And just keep in mind that you two crazy ass love birds have one month, then I go to the press with this shit."

I agreed to Alice's terms, the whole time wondering if Bella could even tell her school about us. The Troll agreed to have Masen over for a "sleep over" that night, and I went to Bella's for my own sleep over. It was another evening filled with hushed tones and whispered words of our pasts, sweet kisses, and a bit of heavy petting. Hey, a man can only take so much dirty talk before he needs a little release. Besides, we were well within the terms of the sexbargo. I wondered how much longer we would even need to continue our agreement. That was before Bella woke up that night screaming and panting. And not in a good way.

There is no better feeling than having Bella sleeping in my arms, aside from having Bella naked and sleeping in my arms. I found that I slept better with her snuggled against my body, and I was in the middle of an NC-17 rated dream about the woman pressed to me when I was awakened by her crying out as she shot up out of the bed. At first I thought she was just screaming, but then I realized it was someone's name she kept shouting over and over again. Bella was hysterical; over and over she cried, "Reese! Reese!" I had no clue who the fuck Reese was, but she was obviously upset about them. I reached out and pulled her to me. Her head came down to my chest as my hand tangled in her hair.

"Hey, hey! It's okay, love. It's okay. I'm here, Bella. Shhhh, don't cry. It's okay."

With my free had I rubbed soothing circles on her back just like I would when Masen had a nightmare. Bella calmed a little, but she continued to cry in my arms; her tears soaking my bare chest. After a few minutes I tried to get her to talk about the nightmare.

"Hey, B.... talk to me. What did you dream about?"

She whimpered quietly and sniffled. I could feel her working to control her breathing. I tried to get her to talk again.

"Bella, please talk to me?"

Through ragged breaths and sniffles she finally answered me.

"It was a bad dream, that's all."

"That was no bad dream, B. That was a fucking nightmare, and it's not the first one you've had while I was here. Do you have them often, sweetie?"

"What? I've done this before?"

It was true, more than once I'd woken up to Bella crying in her sleep. Never before had she screamed as she had tonight, but she was definitely having these dreams regularly. I just wasn't sure how regularly she had them and what they were about.

"Yeah, you have; this one has to be the worst by far, but you've been having them for a week or so now."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Bella. It's not your fault. Do you want to talk about the dreams?"

She lay silent in my arms, obviously avoiding my question. I decided to take a different approach.

"Tell me about Reese."

It wasn't a question or demand; it was more like a plea.

"I'm not sure that I can, Edward. That's not a part of my life I like to remember. It's too...."

"Too what, Bella? Please tell me."

"Too raw. Too painful. Too...much."

I felt her head move back and forth as she shook it gently. Almost as if she were trying to clear it. It fucking broke my heart that she wouldn't share this part of herself with me. I wouldn't push her, though. We were still very new, and maybe she wasn't comfortable enough to tell me this chapter in her past. I tried to tell myself to not let that bother me. There sure as hell were things that I was holding back from her. My secrets weren't causing night terrors, though. I hoped that she would someday feel safe enough to tell me who Reese was.

"I won't push you to tell me. Just know that I'm here, love, if you ever want to talk about anything. Are you okay? Do you need something?"

"I'm better. I have a bit of a headache. I'll just get some Advil and come back to bed."

She got up and went into the bathroom. A few moments later her tiny, warm frame was next to me again. I felt complete with her snuggled to my side, her head near my heart. My hand slid up and down her back, soothing her to sleep. I relished in the feel of her hair as it fanned out over my arm and chest, how her soft form molded to mine. Being close to her like this made my body respond in ways I couldn't satisfy at this moment. As we lay there I tried to think of what could be the reason for this connection I felt to the beauty in my arms.

Sure she was beautiful, but I had dated beautiful women before. Hell, Jessica was beautiful, but Bella's beauty was natural. She was confident and didn't feel the need to spend hours primping. Jess wasn't in the same fucking league as Bella, but she had been the object of many a college guy’s affections. I wasn't a shallow guy, though, so Bella's beauty wasn't the reason. There was something else. Something more.

Bella was smart and talented. She blew me away each time she sat behind a piano. The other night she had pulled out her guitar. It was fucking magnificent. She must have noticed me coveting her instrument, because she quickly rattled off its stats as only one musician does to another. It was a Steve Wildey hand hewn original "Big Red,” custom made to her specifications. She had named it "Barrett" after the poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning. The name suited it. The blond wood on its face reminded me of Bella's creamy skin tone. The sound hole was surrounded by a beautiful ring of Mother of Pearl. The back and neck were a rare tiger wood, the stripes that marked the wood perfectly aligned at the mid seam. B explained that she had asked Steve to make her one after she'd seen him play at a local music festival and admired his own guitar. After her piano and bike it was her pride possession. She curled up next to me on the couch with the work of art in her hands and began to play. It was a haunting ballad about loving someone when you've refused to love anyone before. It was a Paramore song, The Only Exception. Her voice hung in the air like smoke. It was angelic and soothing. I never wanted her to stop singing. Her hands caressed the strings, and her eyes closed as she focused on the cords and lyrics. I had decided that it was my favorite thing to watch her do. Well, my favorite non-sexual thing. But as much as all this talent endeared her to me, this could not be the sole reason I felt such a strong pull to her.

We shared many of the same interests: bikes, football, the Florida Gators, music, and I'd recently found out that she was a staunch supporter of some of the same organizations I happened to belong to as well. No, it wasn't any of these things either. Something drew me to this woman, but I just didn’t know what that was.

I drifted off to sleep thinking about all the things I loved about Bella, wondering if it wasn't too soon to be connecting what I felt for Bella with "love." I already called her that, and she liked that I did. She'd sent me a tweet that read:

SwanSong87: I love it when you call me "love", but I love it even more when you scream my name.

That woman was going to be the death of me! Well, that woman and this sexbargo combined. I knew that my feelings for Bella were deep. I just wasn't sure I was quite ready to call them "love." It would take more time before I could fucking do that. More time and her opening up more. I vowed I would find out who this "Reese" was and why Bella was having nightmares about them if it was the last thing I did.

~oOo~

Chapter 5 Chapter 7

Nightmares and Nerves

~oOo~

I need a nap. Or a giant White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks. Hell, I vote for the nap first then the coffee. Now if I can just stay awake long enough to get out of here.

It was the longest damn faculty meeting I'd ever attended. Maybe it just felt that way because I was so exhausted, but I could barely keep my eyes open. I was definitely going to need coffee to make it through the night.

Maybe, I thought, if I'm lucky, I'll fall asleep and sleep through the little "get together" I'm

supposed to attend tonight.

The teacher meeting that will be forever known as "The Meeting that Lasted Many Moons" finally came to a close. I packed up my stuff and rode home. It was necessary to stop off at Starbucks for the java, and I sat at a small round table sipping the delicious goodness that is like crack to me. My phone buzzed and I looked to see a text from Edward. My face lit up and I could feel my body temperature rise.

Can't wait for tonight! They're gonna adore you as much as I do! ~E

My heart sank and my stomached turned. I knew this was part of the deal Edward made with his sister Alice. She had agreed to keep our relationship a secret as long as we worked to bring the entire family into the loop. Tonight was just the first ring of a complicated spiral of people that had to be let in on our little secret. Okay, it was a big fucking secret, but it was ours. I really wanted our families to know about us, especially mine. My parents would love Edward. I was mostly concerned with what his family would think of me. Not that I had anything to be ashamed of, but meeting your secret boyfriend's family is always nerve wracking. Especially when said boyfriend has a nine-year-old son who happens to be your prized pupil. I had this feeling Masen would be fine with Edward and me seeing each other, but Edward was freaking out about his possible reaction.

I, on the other hand, was particularly nervous about what, if anything, I should say to my school about the two of us. After three weeks of seeing Edward I still didn't have a clear answer on how to handle the school situation. While there wasn't a "rule" against it per say, I was sure that it wouldn't be received with champagne toasts and cheers of congratulations. I hoped that bringing Alice into the loop might help me come up with a plan. But that was before I was told that Jasper, Alice's fiancé, would be joining us as well. I was cool with Alice knowing about us, but this "secret" was beginning to lose some of its "secretness". I mean, isn't the whole point of a secret the fact that nobody knows what the secret is? Or that there's even a secret to begin with? While I didn't fully understand the why of it, Jasper was part of the package now. I was consumed with nerves as the time for us all to meet drew near. Not being able to sleep wasn't helping my nerves.

The dreams, uh-nightmares, were back. I wasn't sure why now, after years having hardly any of them, they had returned. Some were just sad, heartbreaking memories of the best friend I had lost, others were terrifying as I relived the accident in horrific detail. It was after these vivid dreams that I would refuse to close my eyes. At first, the nightmares were infrequent- just blips on a radar. Lately, though, I'd been having them several times a week. Try cutting three to four nights of sleep out of your week and see how well you function. Needless to say, I was a damn mess; even my students were beginning to comment on how tired I seemed. Edward had been staying over when he could, just so we could spend a little more time together. He had shaken me awake several times, each time holding me until the fear passed and my heart rate slowed. Then in the morning over our coffee he would beg me to tell him what was haunting me. I wanted to, I almost needed to, but I couldn't. It was bad enough that my nights were tainted by the memories, I couldn't relive them in the daylight and survive. At least at night they seemed somewhat surreal, almost like they were only bad dreams instead of the gut wrenching memories they really were. I was so desperate for sleep I considered looking into getting prescription sleeping pills. I decided against it, though. The side effects of those things could be brutal and I hated how they made me feel numb. I was hoping that the dreams would just fade on their own. So far... not so fucking good.

Last night was the worst yet. The dreams had started almost immediately after I fell asleep. I doubt that I had even thirty full minutes of rest. At first I wasn't sure it was a dream, it was so vivid.

I awoke with a start, but instead of my warm bed beneath me, there was cool, grass-covered ground. Disoriented, I looked around at my surroundings. The sights and sounds came into focus, overwhelming my senses, and the bright lights glared in the darkness to illuminate the night. The air was charged with the excitement of the throngs of people around me. I pushed myself off the ground and stood. My eyes squinted as I realized that I recognized this setting. I felt my heart pounding against my sternum as the sights and sounds of the carnival settled over me, suffocating. The sounds pressed against me like walls; the squeals of children as they ran from one ride to the next, parents calling after them to wait up, the bells and dings of the games and the cheers of the winners. The shrieks of the riders as they enjoyed the thrill of adrenaline were the loudest. Off to the left I saw the Ferris wheel and line of ticket holders eager to board the ride. I had always loved the Ferris wheel; you could see the whole city from up there, and it almost felt like flying. At least to an eight-year-old it did. I scanned the line looking for the two familiar forms I knew I would find there: two young girls. My eight-year-old self stood patiently waiting her turn to ride, holding the hand of her little sister, Reese.

I tried desperately to call out to them, to stop them from getting on the ride, but the words were choked off before they could escape. The two girls inched forward in line. Although I was hundreds of feet away from them, I could clearly see every detail and hear their conversation as if I were right next to them. The older girl placed her arm lovingly around the shoulder of her sister, urging her along. Reese was so tiny and beautiful. They were dressed similarly: both in jeans and matching lightweight sweaters to ward off the chill in the autumn air. I remembered those sweaters well. They were our favorites.

Young Bella tried to comfort a nervous Reese, "Don't be afraid, Reese! It’s just a Ferris

wheel, silly. I've ridden this ride tons of times. I even rode it by myself!" She was very proud that she was finally old enough to do this thing, and so excited that she could share this with her favorite person in the world.

"I know, but it’s so high, Sissy. I don't like to be that high," Reese's little voice sounded even smaller than usual, and her big sister wrapped her arm around her, and pulled her into her side.

"I promise nothing will happen. It's fun! It's almost like you can fly! You can hold my hand the whole time, and just close your eyes if you get scared."

Little Reese looked up at the person she loved most in the world after her mommy and daddy. A tentative smile spread slowly across her face, showing off her dimples perfectly. "Okay, Sissy. Just please don't rock the box?" Her eyes shot up at some rowdy boys who were making their bucket seat rock wildly.

"Don't worry, Babycakes, I don't like that either. We'll sit very still and look at the lights. It’s so pretty lit up at night! You'll love it! I promise!"

Reese wasn't convinced, but it was their turn to get on. The boys jumped out of their blue seat, vacating it for the girls. They handed the kind looking, burly man their tickets and climbed up into the seat. Reese whimpered a little when it swung from their shifting weight. I tried to cry out to them again, tried to scream for them to get off, or at least to not choose that seat. But my voice would not cooperate.

The ride operator locked the bar across their laps and pushed the button for the seat to advance so the next set of riders could board. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. They climbed higher and higher. Reese was a little frightened, but was being brave so that her sissy would be proud of her. She felt like such a big girl sitting up so high, rising up into the sky. Her fear would seep out each time the ride stopped or started, and she'd squeal quietly. She would grasp at her sister's hand each time the seat moved and once, after a very shaky start she threw her arms around the other girl's waist as she buried her face in her sweater.

"It's okay, Reese, we're safe up here. They wouldn't let us ride if it wasn't safe." She soothed the long brown hair of the scared child. It was the same shade as her own, but Reese's had ribbons of cooper running through it, while hers were blond. "Look out at the pretty lights! We can see the Bridge of Lions and the Cathedral. Oooh! Look, Reese! The lighthouse is so cool!"

Reese looked up where her sister pointed, but didn't let go of her stranglehold. "Uh- huh, it’s very pretty.... Can we get down now?"

"Not yet, they just got everyone on. Now we get to go around a few times. I promise it won't stop again until it's time to get off."

They rode it around several times, each time waving to their parents as they rose near the top. On their second time around, as they began their ascent, there was a loud groaning and the girls felt their seat bounce in a way that was different from the other movements. Reese squealed loudly and tightened her grip on her sister. Little Bella spoke soothing words to her sister that she didn't quite believe herself. They tried to relax and reassure each other that they were indeed safe as their seat crested the top of the arc, but as it did they heard a second groan, this one much louder than the first. I desperately wanted to run to them, to warn the stupid carnival goers that a great tragedy was about to take place, or to stand beneath them and try to prevent what I knew was about to unfold. But I was cemented to the ground. My feet could not move, and my vocal chords continued to betray me. My pleas to help the girls were held hostage.

Without warning there was a loud crack and the blue seat holding the girls dipped precariously to the side. Screams pierced the air and all eyes flew to look up at the two small children clinging to the seat that now swung from only a single set of bolts. Chaos erupted beneath them as carnies ran to clear the area beneath the Ferris wheel. The ride was still turning, causing the seat to swing harder. The ride operator slammed his fist down onto the red button that would bring the ride to a stop. He had no way of knowing that this action would have catastrophic results.

The world seemed to move in slow motion. The wheel came to a halt, and the seat jerked to the side, slamming into the framework of the Ferris wheel. Another wave of screams ripped through the crowd. The girls clung to the side of the seat, but Reese struggled to hang on. Her grasp was slipping; she cried out to little Bella to help her. There wasn't time for Bella to even try to grab the younger girl. A deafening boom sent my hand flying to cover my ears. Choruses of gasps and "Oh, dear God"s filled my ears, countless bodies blurred in motion as everyone rushed to the direction of the Ferris wheel. Just as the backs of countless onlookers blocked my view, I was seemingly transported to the scene they were all gaping at. I didn't need to see it, I could already picture it with perfect clarity. Yet, the wall of people parted and I saw in front of me the image that was already burned into my mind. My stomach lurched at the thought of what had just happened. I covered my face with my hands to shield my eyes.

I fell to my knees. Desperately I tried to make myself go to them, but I could not. I was forced to remain a helpless onlooker. There was the blood chilling sound of a mother wailing across from me. Screaming her pleas for her children to be alright, demanding that her husband release his hold on her so that she could go to them.

The two girls lay broken and motionless. Their already tiny bodies seemed even more insignificant. The older sister lay unconscious several feet from the other. She had been thrown clear of the weight of the seat before it crashed into the soft sod. Her legs contorted in unnatural angles, one arm crushed beneath her. The other hand extended out to the smaller form of her beloved sister which was only half visible, her lower half buried, crushed by the weight of the metal seat. Everything fell silent in the chaos. The only sound I heard was that of my own heart. Paramedics arrived at the scene, and frantically worked to help the children. The seat was lifted from the fragmented shape beneath it, but it was too late. Reese was gone.

A quiet moan escaped from the broken girl only a few feet away as she slowly regained consciousness. The others around her struggled to hear what she was softly crying, but I knew. I knew it better than any sound I'd ever heard or would ever hear again. "Reese? Reese?" She continued to call to her sister. When Reese didn't answer her cries became louder, hysterical, but still only the child's name. "Reese! Reese!"

Reese was perfectly still. There was no movement, not even a breath to expand her small chest. There she was, dead before me. I wanted to look away from the heartbreaking scene, but my eyes were locked onto the image of the crushed and battered body before me. My arms ached to cradle her and rock her as I recalled doing when we were both so much smaller. I reached out to brush away the hair that covered her sweet face, but she was just out of arm's reach. One team of paramedics worked to stabilize the survivor. She was severely injured and quickly succumbing to shock. They would learn that she had suffered a shattered pelvis, multiple fractures in her left arm, nine fractures in her right leg and thirteen in the left. The other team of emergency workers moved to shield the broken remains of the beautiful child that lay lifeless only a few feet away on the cold, damp ground. Her mother screamed, inconsolable as the men covered the child’s tiny frame with a crisp white sheet. Not only had I just watched, helpless, as this angelic creature died before my eyes, but I had seen it all through the eyes of my eight year old self, who lay crumpled on the ground. The heartache was doubled. I collapsed into myself, silence engulfing me again. My heartbeat thudded in my ears and was joined by the sound of another, smaller heart. It was that of the young girl hysterical for the reassurance that her baby sister was safe. The two hearts beat in rhythm together. Both breaking and cracking into shards. It was then the crying broke through the silence. Loud, keening sobs. It took me waking from this nightmare to realize it was me who was crying.

~oOo~

Life continued at its usual pace, despite the fact that my nightmares had returned and I was getting less sleep. There was no slowing down, and apparently there was no turning back, either, now that Edward had confided in Alice about our relationship. It was actually nice knowing that someone knew about the two of us, but I was a little nervous about what she would think of me. I had always been concerned with being "good enough". My entire life had been a quest for acceptance and approval -- a life long effort to make amends. That's not entirely true; before the accident I was a pretty damn confident child. It wasn't until afterwards that I pined for the acceptance of those around me. In school I was the perfect student, the teacher's pet, but not is the ass kiss kind of way. My friends had said that I could get along with anyone. Renee, my mom, had called me a peace keeper. Music was my passion, and I strived for perfection there especially. Even in those bleak years just after losing Reese I would sit for hours at our upright and work complicated pieces over and over again until they were flawless. Mom would plead with me to "give it a rest", but I would stay at the bench, my fingers moving silently over the keys. What I need more than anything else was the approval of my parents. Their love. Even though I didn't deserve of it, I did everything else in hopes that they would see the daughter who was still here instead of the blinding void the other daughter had left.

Things hadn't always been so damn depressing. We had been really happy once. Arizona was a great place to grow up. Near constant sunshine, open spaces, happy family. But that was before. Before I.... Even after all those years had passed, I still struggled with all the pain and hurt I'd caused. Hell, even my parents couldn't bear it. For years and years I'd hoped that the aching that I saw in my parents' eyes would fall away and they would see the little girl who needed them. After the accident they tried to continue on as if nothing had changed, but nothing was the same. We all knew that things would never be the same. Before there were endless hugs and kisses, tender words, family game nights, trips to the Fall fair when we visited the grandparents in Florida.... For the longest time hugs weren't possible. My little body had been so broken. It took thirteen surgeries over a span two years to help my bones knit back together as best as they could just so I could walk again. But no surgery could knit our family back together. We were irrevocably shattered. Mom withdrew into herself, and when she wasn't working she was sleeping. In an effort to not disturb her, Dad spent more and more time away from home. The hugs stopped, tender words were replaced by terse and hushed accusations. Any time we had spent together as a family unit dissolved. There would come a time when I thought that I'd imagined that perfect family picture. Worse still, I'd imagine that I'd imagined her. Only the sobs that wafted from my mother's room each night testified to the loss we had all suffered. When Reese died we all died in some way. Our perfect family was buried with the beautiful child whose funeral I was too battered to attend. Mom and Dad divorced not long after my last surgery. Looking back now, I can't believe they lasted two years. Dad went back to his childhood home in Forks, Washington. Mom and I packed up and headed for Florida. Mom's parents had retired there. Mom said she couldn't stand live in our house any longer and that she needed their help raising "a kid like me." She never clarified what she meant by that, but I had a good idea. Those two years with Mom and Dad together were unbearable. It was almost a relief when they came to me to tell me that they were divorcing.

My guilt over the accident and all that resulted from it was monumental. There were shrinks, doctors, priests, teachers, grandparents who all tried to help me release the crushing sense of responsibility I felt: the depression, the intense mourning, the aching loss. It was when I moved to Forks and started high school that I was sent back to the psychiatrist. For the most part I had been able to deal with the pain, but my freshmen year everything seemed to start welling up to the surface again. The shrink had told Renee that I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that I had never dealt with the demons from the accident. She was right, but I had done a pretty damn good job of holding them at bay. I did that the only way I could think to; I lived the life my little sister would never have the opportunity to live. The opportunity that I had taken from her when I convinced her to do something she really hadn't wanted to do at all. Every time I sat down behind a piano I played like it was my last. Each time I took a test I stared at the page knowing I had done everything in my power to get the best grade possible, because this was knowledge Reese would never learn. So when I started high school, one more thing that Reese would never do, it seemed to trigger the nightmares of my childhood. The doc had prescribed a mild sedative to help me sleep, but I didn't like the way they made me feel in the morning. My saving grace in high school had been my girlfriends. That first year I met some of the most amazing people. It was their love, silly giggles, makeover laden sleepovers, countless movie marathons, and a multitude of all around normal teenage girl experiences that got me through that time. I would forever be grateful to Kat and Bri for holding me while I cried and finally mourned the loss of the one person I wanted to be able to experience those things with. Even though they had no idea the truth behind my tears. No one fully knew. It was my burden alone.

Music was a salve on the raw skin of my soul. It was when I played that I felt closest to her. It was "our thing" and it was bitter sweet. That connection between us is what had led me to teaching. I have crystal clear memories of Reese and me "playing school" and her always wanting to be the teacher. Of course I was happy to play the role of the student. I would have done anything to see her smile. The combination of teaching and music was the perfect one for me, and another connection to Reese. While I bitched about meetings, mountains of papers to grade, and lesson plans, it was where I wanted to be. At first my teaching had everything to do with my sister and my life's work of trying to fix the mess I had made out of all of our lives. I'd been told too many times how Reese's death wasn't my fault. There were times when I thought I would literally fucking explode if I was told that again. I wasn't stupid. In fact I was actually considered somewhat of a child genius: thanks to a higher than “normal” IQ and that I’d been dubbed a child prodigy when it came to music. God how I hated those labels. All I had ever wanted was to be known as a daughter and sister. Those were the only two labels that mattered to me. Thanks to choices I made I had lost both. Hell, I knew that I hadn't purposefully killed the one person who had loved me with abandon, but that didn't change the part I had played in the fact that Theresa Maria Swan's life had been cut short after only five brief years.

Now my life was entering a new phase, one where I was once again living the life she never would. Maybe that was why the nightmares were back. They seemed to return when the winds of change blew through, and boy were they a blowin'! I was falling in love. At least I was pretty fucking sure that I was. How the hell could I know for sure? It had only been a matter of weeks, and I had never been "in love" before. Sure I'd cared for guys before, but things were different with Edward. I was different with Edward. I had this feeling that my life wouldn't be the same. Not after what I had been feeling lately. Especially now that Edward was in my life. And especially after I met Alice. I was in for quite a ride myself.

~oOo~

Chapter 6 Chapter 8