Goodbyes and Good Luck

~oOo~

I had lain in the dark all night, thinking about Edward and the way things had played out earlier. It was the worst fight we'd ever had. Actually, it was the only fight we'd ever had. When the sun came up I was no closer to understanding anything then when I'd gone to bed. I just couldn't understand why he was being so dramatic. Okay, sure, if I took the position in New York we'd be separated for a while, but plenty of other couples did the long distance relationship thing and were just fine. Edward and I were solid, or so I'd thought, and if any two people could make a short term, long-distance relationship work it would be us. I would miss him with every fiber of my being. It would be one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my adult life to leave Masen and the little family we'd formed. Edward and Masen had become my world and I loved them, but I couldn't just ignore that I had this driving need to go to NYC and take part in the amazing opportunity to play with the New York Philharmonic.

What I wrestled most with, though, was why Edward felt so strongly that I shouldn't go. It hurt me that he couldn't see this from my perspective, that he wouldn't even hear me out or have a rational discussion about the situation. He had the audacity to compare me to the ex-bitch!I would never leave him or Masen or hurt them like she had. He knew this, and yet he had no problem throwing her mistakes in my face. I think that hurt more than anything: that he doubted my feelings for them. I had cried hot, angry tears into my pillow and clung to Darcy as a horrible feeling of despair and fear settled over me. How dare he equate me to the one person who he despised most! I hadn't felt that hopeless in a long time, and the feeling was crippling. I felt very alone and small lying there with the warm body of my trusted friend. Sadly, it reminded me of the one body I really wanted to be lying next to me, comforting me. A new wave of tears came, bearing my sadness like little ships on the sea of my emotions.

After the tears had dried I was left with a pounding headache and a fractured heart. I didn't even have the strength to get up and take a couple Tylenol. I lay there, just thinking. My thoughts were disjointed and they jumped all over the place. Eventually, I started to question myself and my reasons for needing NYC.

Was I being stupid? No, I knew I wasn't stupid. I'd been many things in my life, but I'd always been considered rational. Almost to a fault. Selfish? Maybe I was being a little selfish, but after years of doing what I thought everyone else wanted me to do I thought I just might be entitled to a bit of self-indulgence. Was it possible I was a dark-haired version of the nastiest person to ever walk the planet? Hell no. I wasn't even going down that path of self-pity. Jessica and I were nothing alike. She was a cold-hearted bitch who had abandoned her husband and newborn son to run off with another man. I simply wanted the opportunity to try one last time to see if I could be the musician I had once dared dream to be. It's not like I was considering something immoral or illegal. The real question was: was I throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to me in order to pursue those dreams? My mind went back to the same issue; I didn't see why I had to choose. I loved them and I loved the music. If my heart was big enough to love them all, then why couldn't this work? Sleep finally came, but it was not restful nor was I any closer to a resolution. I slept knowing that everything would still be waiting when I woke up. I just hoped and prayed that the next conversation Edward and I had wouldn't end in a stalemate.

~oOo~

We met for coffee at his request. I went to his condo so we could try once more to talk and try to come to some kind of adult understanding. He started right in after we'd settled down on the comfy couches on his porch. I looked out over the ocean and watched the turbulent waves as an offshore storm shoved them against the beach. I kinda knew how they felt.

"I just don't get it. What are you running from, Bella? You have a man who loves you, whose family loves you, a little boy who thinks you hung the moon, an amazing job, a beautiful home, but that's not enough for you, is it? What more could you want? Fame? Recognition? Help me understand, Bella!" My eyes shot to his. He was overcome with emotion; his whole body shook from the force of it all.

"If you can think that about me, Edward Cullen, then you never knew me." My voice was much calmer than I felt.

"Just make me see things the way you do, B! I'm begging you!"

"I can't, Edward! Not if you don't want to see them! I could talk and explain it until the cows come home, but you will never understand if you don't at least try to see this as something beyond my 'leaving you'. I don't want to leave you! I don't want us to be over! It's YOU who is pulling the plug on us. You're the one that said if I went to New York that we'd be through. I'm trying to respect your wishes and still do what I know I have to. That doesn't mean that I'm happy with the outcome. You'd think that would be a sure indicator to you that I'm in this for more than fifteen minutes in a spotlight or a paycheck. But no. You're blind to everything except what you perceive as my leaving you and Masen."

"So what do you want, Bella? Tell me." His voice was anything but kind. The venom I heard there stung like acid on my skin.

"I want the three of us to be together. I want to go to New York and see what opportunity that place holds for me. I want you to take me in your arms and tell me that, even though we're both scared, that we'll be okay. That we are going to get through this and one day tell our grandchildren about this day and how silly we both were." He just stared at me like I was speaking another language; not moving or reaching for me like he'd usually would. "But that's not going to happen, is it?" He shook his head no. He couldn't even say the words. So I said them for him and each word pierced my heart like a sword. "So? We're really just going to walk away from each other and that's that?"

He sat there staring into his coffee mug like it held the secrets of the universe.

"Okay, then. I accept your decision, Edward. It's killing me, but I guess I don't have any other choice."

"That's just it, Bella! You do have a choice! You can choose to stay here and live the wonderful life you have here rather than chase some dream!"

"No, I can't, Edward, and sitting here having this conversation with you makes it even more clear."

The silence between us was more than I could take. I stood up with my mug. He looked up at me, 

his face was hard and I hardly recognized him.

"I have to go. Darcy will be waiting for me." Halfway through the condo I turned back to tell him that I loved him, but he wasn't looking at me any more. He had made his choice and I'd made mine. The saddest part of it all was we really wanted the same thing- each other. We just wanted to take different paths to get there.

~oOo~

The rest of my week was spent making phone calls and arrangements. The end of the school year was just three weeks away and I was due to be in New York by the last week of June. My first performance was set for the July Fourth weekend. That gave me a little over a week after school wrapped up to be settled in my new temporary home. The symphony had arranged for me to stay for the summer in an apartment they owned near Lincoln Center. Renee was eager to help me pack up the few things I'd be taking along with me and anything else I might need would be shipped soon after I arrived. I'd spoken with my principal and she was genuinely excited for all this opportunity held, although disappointed to see me leave. She assured me that, should I want to return in the fall that my position would be open. They'd be appointing an interim director of the music program at the school.

Darcy and Chaucer were coming with me. I had considered leaving them with Renee and Phil, but there was no way I could be without my boys for that long. It made me nervous to think about them traveling, but my parents reminded me that airlines transported animals all the time. I looked forward to Saturdays in Central Park with Mr. D, and watching Chaucer as he observed traffic roll under the windowsill he would love sunning himself on. Even with all the heartache surrounding my leaving, I was genuinely excited about the new adventure I was embarking on.

I'd received mixed reactions to the announcement that I was moving. For the most part the Cullens were supportive. Alice was insistent on visiting me in the city and Esme decided it would make for a fun girls' weekend to all come up and watch me perform and spend a few days together. Emmett cornered me after I told the family, and true to his pain in the ass nature, had to give me a hard time. "Are you sure about this, Bellapepper? This is huge."

"Yeah, Em, I'm sure, and I thought we agreed that you'd stop with the retarded nicknames and I was going to stop telling complete strangers that you'd suffered a head injury."

"Shut it, you love my nicknames." The smirk on his smirky face was almost as annoying as the crushing weight of the arm he wrapped around my shoulders.

"No, I really don't," I countered, wresting out of his hold. "They're stupid and they don't make any sense."

"Fine. No more nick names. Now talk to me. Why are you jumping ship?" His suddenly serious demeanor took me aback.

"I'm not, I'm just doing what I think is best, Em."

"Okay, then help me to see it that way, too, so I can have your back."

"I don't want to leave all of this. This life I live is damn near perfect, but I've got to see if I can do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing."

"Alright," He nodded his head thoughtfully, "That's not so hard to understand. Go then. But so help me, if you get to New York and turn into some sarcastic, snooty, foul mouthed bitch I will never speak to you again."

"Too late. I'm already sarcastic and snooty; not to mention I'm been known to drop an F-bomb or two."

"You make a valid point. Just promise to keep in touch; I've gotten used to the annoying way you laugh and I'm really gonna miss that fish thing you do with your lips."

"Aw, Em! You say the sweetest things to me. You're like the Gail to my Oprah."

"Hold it, sister! If anyone in this duo is Oprah, it is me! I'm way more popular and shit!"

"Just keep telling yourself that, my friend, and maybe you'll start believing it," I shoved him as hard as I could but the mountain didn't move. Where was Mohamed when you needed him? "Seriously, though, Em, promise me you'll keep an eye on Edward. This is going to really suck. I'm worried he's gonna shut down after I leave, and that scares me."

"He'll be fine. What's the worst thing that could happen? So he might go all emo and broody and start snapping at people. Wait, how would that be any different than how he is now?" I shot him a look that clearly said, "Don't go there."

"Just keep the Ice Queen away from him and Mini, okay? That's your job."

"Give me the dirty jobs, why don't you? I'm not sure why you hate her so much, Bella." The next look I gave him could have been considered deadly. He chuckled, "I mean, everyone loves her! She's even rated 'E- For everyone'. You know, 'cause she's a skank?" I couldn't help but laugh at a skanky Jessica joke. They were like little nuggets of gold.

"Thanks, man. You know I love you, right? And that I'll miss you."

"No you won't, silly Bella! We'll always have Skype."

"And texting," I reminded him.

"And gchat," he countered.

"Okay, okay," I conceded, throwing my hands up in surrender. "I think we both just vowed to keep in touch."

"More like constant contact."

"Deal." We sealed our deal with one of his trademark bear hugs. I was going to miss those most of all.

Rose was a little shocked that I'd even think about leaving Edward and Masen, and things were kind of tense between us for a few days while she wrestled over whether she should have been supporting her brother-in-law who was hurting or her friend who was finally living her dream. Eventually she came to me and with a tight hug assured me that she just wanted what was best for me and that everything would turn out all right in the end.

After Edward, the hardest person to tell was Masen. That boy surprised me, yet again. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks as I explained to him that I had been offered the opportunity to play with the Philharmonic over the summer. I held him and assured him that I loved him, and that I'd be back. He worried what would happen to Darcy and "the cat". It was clear from early on that Mini was a dog person. He didn't mind Chaucer, but he adored the mutt. He gave me a watery grin when he told me he thought Darcy would love spending time in the park. He was also concerned about my safety in the city; warning me about muggers and pickpockets. Oh, and the mob. He was very concerned that I could get caught up in some Mafia war. (Despite my insistence that most of the mobsters lived across the river in Jersey.) I promised him I would be careful and that I would get mace before I moved. I made him promise that he'd practice every day and I assured him that I'd suggest a few people to be his new tutor.

The rest of his class took the news pretty much as I had expected they would. They knew there was the possibility that I might not be returning at the end of the summer. Some were more upset than others, but I knew they would be all right. We would all be all right. I had to believe that. Otherwise, all of this would have been for nothing.

~oOo~

The last day of school came quickly. Quicker than I'd imagined. Everything was set for my move and all I had left to do was to tell my favorite little man goodbye. I sat down on the piano bench in our classroom and patted the seat next to me. He joined me like he had so many times before. We knew this day was coming, but now that it was here, it was harder than I'd imagined. His beautiful eyes never left mine, pleading with me to tell him it was all a mistake, a cruel joke. God, I wish it were that simple. I covered his little hands clasped tightly together in his lap with my own.

"Hey, buddy. How ya doin'?"

"I'm okay, I guess." His eyes shifted to look at his feet that swung back and forth. I noticed how he could now easily reach the floor with his toes. At the beginning of the year they were a good inch from the floor. He had grown so much this past year both physically and emotionally, not to mention that his musical talent had grown exponentially. I was so proud of the little musician he was becoming. "I just don't understand, B. Whydo you have to go?"

"Have you ever had something that you just had to do, Mini?"

"You mean, like last week when we were at the shop and I really had to pee, but Em locked me out and then tickled me until I thought I was going to wet my pants?" I couldn't help but snicker.

"Um, not exactly like that, smarty pants. This is more of a feeling than an urge." I elbowed him teasingly. "Kind of like, if I don't do this then I'll spend my whole life wondering if I should have tried it while I had the chance."

"But you're coming back, right? You'll be back in time for the new school year?"

"I don't know, little man. Maybe. There is the chance that they'll invite me to stay on longer, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. As things stand now, I'll be with the Symphony through the summer."

"I'm going to miss you so much, B."

"I know, kiddo. I'm going to miss you, too. You know it's not you that I'm leaving, right? My heart hurts thinking about being away from you, but I also know this is the right thing to do. Can you trust me?"

"I do trust you."

"Thank you, Masen." I pulled him close, reveling in the feel of his little body pressed close to mine. I felt like I could protect him from anything when he was this close to me.

How was I going to leave him? How could I walk away from this?

I had no idea how I'd survive leaving Masen and his father, but I knew I had to. I just hoped they'd forgive me for hurting them. One day.

I fingered the note I had worked on for hours, trying to write just the right words to the man I loved. We hadn't spoken since our last big blowout, but I had to reach out to him one last time. I decided a letter was the best option, that way I could say what I needed to and avoid another painful argument. How could I make him understand why I was about to tear all three of our hearts from our chests? How could I tell him that, while I loved him more than life itself, I was still leaving? I did the best I could, knowing that no matter how long I worked it or how long the letter was, he'd never understand. Hell, I still didn't fully understand. I just knew that I had to do this. With a shaky hand I handed the letter to Masen.

"Hey, M? Would you do me one last favor?"

"B, you know I'd do anything for you."

"I do, sweetie. Um, could you give this to your dad for me? It has some recommendations for a new piano tutor for you and it might explain a few things to him, but... will you wait to give it to him until I'm gone?" He looked confused, but nodded.

"Sure, Bella, I'll make sure Dad gets this, but why wait?" Damn, this kid was too smart for my own good.

Because if he gets it before then he could find me and talk me out of going, that's why.

"Well, Mase, I just need some time, okay?"

"He'll get it, B. I promise." My heart broke as I pulled his head to my chest and hugged him fiercely. Even as I fought to contain them, tears spilled from my eyes. This could be the last time I would hug this man-child who I had grown to love as a mother loves her child. I may have never been his mother, but my heart didn't know that, and right now it was shattering into a million pieces knowing I was walking away from him. His slim arms wrapped around my waist as we turned into each other's embrace.

"I love you, sweet boy. Never forget that, okay? I have loved you from the first day I met you and I always will. Maybe when this summer is over I'll come see you?"

"Would you?"

"Yeah, of course! And you can always email or call if you need your old piano teacher for anything. Not that you would."

"B, you were never just a piano teacher. You have been more of a mom to me than Jess ever was. I love you." It took everything in me to not breakdown completely right there. But Masen was just a kid. I could be strong for his sake and lose it later- when I was alone. I sucked in a ragged breath, trying to steady my voice enough to speak.

"I've loved being a part of your life Masen, and I promise you, even though I may not be where you can reach out and touch me, I will always be here for you. You can contact me anytime. Anytime. I'd love to hear how things are going back here. I love you, little man. That doesn't change because I'm moving." I could feel his small frame shaking as he cried against my shoulder, and I squeezed him a little tighter. I pressed a kiss into his unruly locks, and then another. With a deep, centering breath I held him back from me and tousled the hair I had just kissed.

"Okay, wanna play one for the road? Gentleman's choice." I grinned with joy my heart didn't feel and hoped he'd take me up on my offer, but I never imagined he'd choose that song.

"Yeah, will you sing 'Reese's Song' while I play?" I couldn't deny him. Not when he looked at me with those sad, red-rimmed eyes.

"Sure, sweetie. We can try." We turned to face the keys and his hands went straight to Middle C. Perfectly trained. He started the lullaby softly, and I prayed I could make it through the song without breaking down.

Your baby blues

So full of wonder

Your Curly Que's

Your contagious smile

And as I watch

You start to grow up

All I can do is hold you tight

For once, it was his blue eyes I saw as I sang, not Reese's. His bronzed curls replaced her dirty blonde, and his toothy grin eclipsed the gaping smile of my beloved sister. I scooted closer to him, and wrapped my arm around his waist and rested my cheek against the soft tangle at his crown. I needed to be close to him as I sang this promise to him. He needed to hear the truth in the words, and I needed him to believe them. I promised him in song that, even though I might not be there physically, he would always be in my heart.

Clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash all around

But you will be safe in my arms

My "mother's heart" broke knowing that I would never be able to keep him safe from the world and its realities. He had suffered from so many of them already, and here I was putting him through another harsh reality of this world: people we love, leave- and life is never fair. It killed me that I was the reason he was once again faced with this reality. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom. At least when Jess had left he was too young to feel the hurt and rejection. I couldn't help but feel guilty that I was putting him through the one thing Edward had fought all his life to protect him from. My unshed tears welled up over my lashes and spilled into his hair. I sang the last lines with every ounce of feeling I had. My voice cracked and wavered from the emotion.

Castles they might crumble

Dreams may not come true

Cause you are never all alone

Cause I will always

Always love you

Clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash all around

But you will be safe in my arms

In my arms"

Even before the last notes could fade, he had turned to me and thrown himself against me- sobs wracking his little frame. I held him and cried with him. Cried for both of us and the loss of what we had, what we would never have. I didn't try to comfort or shush him. I just let him cry. I continued to whisper over and over, "I will always love you" until he had no tears left to shed. When I pulled back to look at him he gave me a sad half-grin that reminded me so much of his father.

"I'll always love you, too... Mom."

After another long, painful hug I walked him to the bathroom to let him wash his face, then we headed to the car. I'd told Edward that I would bring him home after school. We drove the few minutes to his condo in silence. I pulled up to the front of his building to let him out. "I'll see ya in four months then, right?" He sounded so hopeful.

"Yeah, buddy, four months. And you can call, text, or email whenever you want, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks. Have fun playing in those fancy theaters!"

"I'll try, Mase." I gave him a weak smile. We shared an awkward car hug, and I told him again that I loved him. He returned the sentiment. My heart broke as I watched him climb the stoop to his condo. He stopped to turn and wave one last time, the letter I'd given him to give to Edward in his hand. I pulled away once he was safely inside, the tears already threatening to make my short trip home dangerous. I fought to keep it together and hoped Masen remembered to give Edward the letter. I considered sending him a text Sunday to remind him. Both about the letter and that I loved him. Always.

As I drove, I recalled the words I had written to the man I loved and would most likely never see again...

Dearest Edward,

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but then again, that which is best for us isn't always the easiest. There's no easy way to say or do this, because no matter what, this is going to be horrible. You may hate me for this, and I may very well be taking the coward's way out, but, Edward, I've decided to take the position with the Philharmonic. I know I should have talked to you about my final decision more, given you a proper goodbye, but my mind is made up... For once in my life I'm making a decision that I think is best for me, and following through with it. Talking to you again will only confuse and upset me, and frankly, I can't take much more drama. I couldn't just up and go, not with the way we left things. So, I'm writing you to tell you what I can't say directly to you. Please try to understand.

I love you so much. I love you to the point of distraction, Edward. I've learned that I have to learn to love myself that same way. You asked me what I was running from. I don't see it that way. Maybe I'm not running from something. Maybe I'm running to it. My entire life has been lived the way I thought I was expected to live; either to fulfill the dreams that Reese will never realize or to please someone else. I know you don't agree with my decision, and I partly understand why, but please accept why I can't let this opportunity pass me by. If for no other reason than to say that I tried to live life to the fullest. For once I need to do something because it's what is best for me. No one else but me, and if that makes me a selfish bitch then it proves that I was never good enough for you and 

Masen. You both deserve only the best.

I have never let another person into my heart like I have let you. I was so messed up, and you saw past that. Your love healed me. I know who I am now because of you. I need you to know that no one could have loved me more or better. You taught me how to love and live again. You have given me my life back and now I need to live it.

Please don't come after me; don't try to change my mind. By the time you read this I will be leaving for New York. I've already said my goodbyes to Masen and everyone else. Forgive me for leaving like this; I just couldn't tell you good-bye, Edward. I understand if you'd prefer that I didn't keep in touch, but I've told Masen he can contact me anytime he needs me.

This road we have been following had to come to an end at some point. All roads do, love. I never imagined it would end here, but then again, I never imagined this ride we've been on, either. It has been a wonderful journey, but now we have to take our separate paths. I once read a quote written by Flavia Weedn that said, "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same." Thank you for leaving your footprints on my heart, Edward, and for changing me. I will always love you. Never doubt that.

~Bella

~oOo~

My phone chimed as I stood over the stove making dinner. I glanced down to see a message from Edward.

Bella, I found the letter in Masen's bag. I need to see you- NOW!

My lungs constricted and a sigh fell from my lips. The one thing I'd hoped to avoid, a dramatic goodbye, was apparently imminent. I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer. I was still going to try to get out of seeing him.

I can't, Edward. I'm in the middle of cooking dinner.

I sent the text hoping he'd let it go. He didn't.

Fuck dinner! This is more important!

Like I'd said, imminent. So I went the next best plan: meet him in a public, neutral place that wasn't too far from either of us. I decided the public beach access a few miles up the road was easiest.

Fine. Meet me at the parking lot at the walk-over.

~oOo~

He stood leaning against the side of his car door. He looked as miserable as I felt. He didn't bother to look up when I pulled up next to him; just waited for me to climb off the bike and stand in front of him. We stood there, face to face for a while. Neither of us eager for what we both knew was coming. Finally he spoke first, "Why are you doing this? How can you do this?"

"I already explained everything in the letter. That's why I wrote it, Edward, so we wouldn't have to do this."

"I deserve better than a fucking 'Dear John' letter, Bella. We deserve more." I assumed he'd meant he and Masen when he said "we".

"I talked to Masen today when I gave him the letter. We've already said our goodbyes." I hoped the explanation would give him the piece of mind that I had done my best to do right by Mini and tell him a proper goodbye.

"He told me... you didn't think that you and I deserved the same chance?"

His question threw me for a loop. Of course I did, I just didn't think that seeing me again was something he'd have wanted. I sighed and rested against the seat of my bike. My stance mirrored his own.

"Honestly, Edward, I didn't think you'd want to see me again."

"What? How could you say that?"

My head snapped up and I stared at him in disbelief. "You've made it very clear how you feel about my going to New York and us being over. I just assumed you wouldn't want to see me again."

"Bella! I love you, of course I'd want to tell you goodbye! What I really want is for you to come to your senses and not go!"

"If you loved me then you'd trust that I know what I have to do, Edward. I can't take you trying to talk me out of this anymore. The plans have all been made; I've made commitments. This is happening whether you want it to or not. I'm sorry."

"I guess that's that, then! Everything's settled. You've got it all figured out. Well, all that's left then is for me to wish you good luck and tell you have a nice life, Bella." The sarcastic tone of his voice was harsh and nothing like the Edward I knew, but I knew he was hurting. This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid by writing him rather than seeing him. I didn't want our last memories of us together to be about who could hurt the other most.

"I'm not doing this, Edward. I won't fight with you. I know you're hurting and angry, but this isn't us. Just tell me goodbye and let's move on before we have the chance to say something we will definitely regret."

He just stood there, seething. Knowing I was going to have to be the one to make the first move, I pushed off my bike and took the three steps over to him, standing mere inches away. Reaching up on my toes, I pressed my lips to his jaw. He stiffened at my touch. It broke my heart and I leaned into him seeking the kind of comfort I could only find in his arms. After a few moments he relaxed and drew me closer to him. I hadn't wanted to cry, but treacherous tears flowed freely down my cheeks, soaking his shirt. We stood like that for what seemed like forever and yet not nearly long enough. All too soon I felt him kiss the top of my head.

"I love you, Bella. I wish I could have been enough, and hope you find what you need." With a final squeeze he let me go, "Goodbye. Be safe."

I nodded, assuring him that I would, "Bye, Edward. I love you."

~oOo~

It nearly killed me to get on the bike and pull away, but I had to. My chest grew tighter and tighter as my bike got further and further from where I had left him standing there, staring after me. I had tried to make Edward comprehend that I had to try this; I had to follow this overwhelming pull to do the one thing I never thought I could. So I was giving up the one thing that ever brought me peace and security. It was crazy and it was scary as hell. It was unfathomable, but it was my only option. Edward had made it my only option. It destroyed me that I was finally doing what I believed in my heart to be what I was meant to do all along, and the one person I wanted to share it with was unwilling to make the journey with me. But I could accept his reasons. For too long, my entire life to be exact, I'd lived my life for the ones I loved; done what was expected of me and what was safest. It was time to do something hard. Something for me.

I was leaving to follow my dreams, to see if I could really make it at the one thing I loved doing. Music. I couldn't be the person everyone else needed me to be. As I sped away on my bike, I could see Edward's form in my side view mirrors growing smaller and smaller. At some point I saw his tiny reflection slump against the side of his car and slide down the door. My chest constricted tighter as I watched the man I love crumble in the sand lot. Every fiber in my being cried out to go back to him, to hold him and tell him it was all a huge mistake. Each breath I took became more labored, more difficult to draw in. I felt as if a massive weight were crushing my chest, cracking my ribs and compressing my lungs so they had no hope of drawing another breath. I wasn't far from home, only a mile or so, and as I pulled into the garage I paused long enough to punch the button to lower the door again. I found my way into the house, panting and sucking at the air around me.

What had I done? He was my life. He was my air. No wonder I couldn't breathe, I had just created a self-imposed vacuum; devoid of all air. I stumbled up the stairs, actually falling and not even noticing the pain that should have shot through my legs as my shins slammed against the hard wood of the top steps. I didn't bother to try to stand. I just lay there on the landing, letting the waves of emotions from the day crash over me. Dry sobs wracked my body, each futile breath felt like my last. I have no idea how long I lay there. The first thing I noticed was the cold, moist nose of my beloved Mr. Darcy, sweetly nudging me, desperate to comfort me. I rolled to my side my ribs felt bruised and battered with each sharp intake of breath. My devoted friend didn't ask any questions; he simply laid next to me on the hard floor, joining me in my sorrow. He comforted me the only way he knew how to: he let me mourn, let me feel all I was feeling, and just let me know that he was there. The darkness of the suffering and the reality of what had happened enveloped me again and the sobs shook us both as I clutched him tightly.

The next time I surfaced from the blackness, the sky had darkened to match my mood. It seemed as if the sun had even sunk under the weight of my sadness. Every muscle in my body ached, and my head pounded from the tears and lack of oxygen. I still could not get a deep breath; I wondered if I ever would again. Mr. D lifted his head as I rolled over, moaning as my muscles cramped in protest. Just as I made a move to sit up a wave of nausea hit me, and I rushed as quickly I could to make it to the toilet before vomiting what little breakfast I had managed to choke down earlier that day. I rinsed my mouth at the sink and noticed my ever-faithful friend sitting at my feet. His massive head, resting on the counter, never moved as his gaze shifted from me to my reflection in the mirror. I realized that he hadn't been outside most of the day. Just one more failure to add to a day of massive fail. My voice was horse and scratchy when I spoke, "Come on buddy. Let's get you walked and fed, so I can end this day."

I wasn't sure why I was so eager for the day to be over. The next day wouldn't be any easier. Nor would the one after that. It would just be varying degrees of pain and loss. I let Darcy take his time outside as I fixed his dinner, leaving the door open so he could come in when he was ready. I heard a faint humming as I set his bowl down and it registered that it was my cell buzzing somewhere. I couldn't recall where I'd dropped it when I came in, hell, I didn't even recall physically setting it down. I tried to find in before it stopped buzzing. Not that I intended to answer it, but the vibrations would help make locating it a little easier. I found it under the little table I kept by the stairs. It must have slid off either from my flinging it down with my keys or- wow. The screen read:

27 missed calls

Twenty-seven? What the hell? The time flashed 8:30 PM as I accessed my missed calls screen.

Edward Cullen (15 missed calls)

Alice Cullen (10 missed calls)

Mom (2 missed calls)

I'd been home for nearly four hours. I'd lain there at the top of the stairs drifting in and out of consciousness for hours. I was numb. I looked at the voice mail screen next. Yep, just what I'd thought, there were just as many voice mails. The phone buzzed once in my hand and the memo popped up:

Edward Cullen (new message)

He'd left another one. I couldn't listen to them. Not yet. I couldn't hear his voice. I wasn't strong enough. As soon as I heard him I'd be dialing his number to beg for him to come to me. Although I didn't deserve for him to. I decided to text him and let him know I was safe when the phone buzzed again; this time a text:

Bella, please! R u at least safe at home? I'm going crazy with worry! I drove past ur house 4 times just to check on u & there haven't been any lights on. Please just give me the piece of mind that u're alright. Please! I love u. Always. ~E

I thought for a second about what my response should be.

I'm home. Came straight here. I'm sorry you were worried. I'm just-sorry. For everything... I know you do. ~B

Darcy walked in the kitchen then. He shuffled over to his bowl and sniffed at the dry food there, opting not to eat. I knew how he felt. I didn't have any appetite either. I didn't bother to turn on any lights as I shut and bolted the door. I punched in the security code in the panel and slowly made my way up the stairs. I felt Darcy follow behind me. I toed off my shoes as I stood next to the edge of the bed, slipped off my shorts and crawled onto the bed, not even bothering to crawl under the covers. I did reach over to press the button on the remote to make the shades roll down over the windows and doors, shutting out the world. I felt the bed shift as the mutt crawled up next to me. We nestled in close as the darkness around me enveloped my mood once again. The phone I clutched under my pillow sounded and I looked at the screen:

Thank, God! I was so worried! As long as u're safe. That's all that matters. I'll call again tomorrow, but u can call me anytime. I need u. We need u. I love u. ~E

I let the despair overtake me then. The tightness in my chest a vice grip on my fragile lungs. Sobbing, I chanted over and over, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

~oOo~

Secrets and Storms

~oOo~

There's always the calm before the storm, and we're more than well acquainted with storms here in Florida. Hurricane season is obviously when we are most likely to see the worst Mother Nature has for us, but as any Floridian knows, living on a peninsula with your ass hanging out into the Atlantic Ocean means always being ready for a storm. Still, there are some storms you just can't prepare for. Case in point, the shit storm that I unexpectedly found myself in when I came home. I'd been out of town over the weekend, taking care of some business in Tallahassee for Eclipse Choppers. I hated being away from Mini and Bella, but the trip was necessary, and I silently wondered when I'd become such a pansy that I couldn't spend forty-eight hours away from a woman. Granted, she was the woman I loved, but still...

I'd already stopped at my condo to drop off my things and I spent some time with Mini. He was less interested in filling me in on what he'd been up to than in the new XBox game his Uncle Emmet had bought him in my absence. I personally think that I'm infinitely more interesting than a game. My son's opinion on the matter: not so much. After that warm homecoming, I decided to visit the person I knew would welcome me with open arms. I pulled into her driveway and sighed as I clicked off the ignition. The winter air was brisk, and the wind coming off the water was making the cold sting just that much more. Taking the stairs two at a time to her front door, I rushed to see the one person I needed to see most at that moment. I let myself in with the key Bella had recently entrusted me with. She had a key to our condo as well. It just made sense. I had a feeling she wasn't home when my presence at the door wasn't met with ear-shattering barks. Instead, Chaucer the cat rubbed against my ankles in a rare greeting, so I stooped down to scratch his head.

"Hey there, little man. Where's Beauty and the Beast?" I asked as I made my way through to the kitchen.

"Meow," Chaucer answered.

"Well, you're a big help." That's what you get for talking to a cat, Einstein.

I noticed a slip of paper on the counter.

Beloved,

Took the mutt to work off some pent up energy on the beach. (He was driving me NUTS!) Walk over if you get here before we get back. Can't wait to see you.

Yours,

Bella

I quickly locked the door and took off across the road to the beach where my girl would be waiting. I froze at the sight of her and took in the view. She stood facing the water watching the waves advance and retreat, with her shoes in her hands and her arms wrapped around her middle. I wondered how she could stand there barefoot in the cool sand. Dressed in a long, flowing lavender skirt and a thick sweater that made me crave vanilla ice cream, she looked to be contemplating the mysteries of the universe. The wind gusts made her hair and skirt dance around her; she might have been blown away if not for her feet being anchored ankle-deep in the sand. I stood mesmerized as the wisps of hair obscured her profile. She was a vision.

Darcy was a few yards away, chasing the waves and playing with a seashell he'd found rolling in and out with the surf. He would dart back and forth between Bella and the water, enticing her to play with him. She'd wrestle the shell from the beast and toss it down the beach, and he'd take off after it, splashing as he galloped back. The mutt must have caught my sent in the wind, and came barreling over to me. His muzzle found my hand as soon as he was close enough. I happily returned his greeting with ear rubs and head scratches. Bella turned to see who Darcy was so eager to greet. The smile that bloomed across her face when she noticed me made my heart stutter in my chest. I obliged Darcy's request to play as I tossed the shell he had deposited at my feet, and then moved closer to the woman I loved. The ten steps to Bella seemed like a hundred yards. My hands reached for her, seeking contact. The moment I touched her I knew I was home. I felt more than heard a contented hum as I nestled her against my chest, and realized the sound was coming from me.

"Hi, you," she greeted me and pressed her face into my shirt inhaling deeply.

"Hi, you, too." I rubbed my hands across her back and along her arms, trying to keep the chill off the cream of her sweater.

We stood there letting the breeze and surf speak for us. There wasn't much more for us to say, really. The waves spoke to the wind, "How was your journey?" And the wind replied, "It brought me back to you." The waves responded by curling closer to her beloved wind and resting on the shores of life with him. They knew that tides and fronts would separate them again at some point, but they rested in the knowledge that they would always meet here on the sand given enough time and the right conditions.

What? I can be a tad sentimental when it came to my girl and being apart from her. All that mattered was that she was with me in that moment. She chose that moment to shiver.

"Come on, sweetie. Let's get you and the mutt home and warm, then we'll head over to Mom and Dad's. The crew will already be there, I'm sure." She nodded and called to Darcy. We headed back across the road to her place, keeping the mutt on a tight leash until we were safely in her garage. After a quick rinse and towel dry for the third of us covered in fur, we all made our way up to change and then drive over to Cullen Family Sunday dinner. I made a quick fire for Darcy to roast in front of while Bella got ready.

"Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. Be warned, it's slim pickins in there, love. I haven't had a chance to run to the store since I got-- off Friday. It's been a busy weekend. I think there's a beer or two. Or you can open a bottle of wine."

"No, beer's fine. Unless you want wine," I called up after her. "I swear, if Darcy gets any closer to that fire we'll have roast beast on our hands." I chuckled at the thought.

"He knows not to get too close," she assured me. I could hear the faucet in the shower groan and complain as she turned the water on. "I guess singeing the fur off your rump has a lasting, educational effect on dogs."

I tried not to pout at the thought of Bella taking a shower and me not having a front row seat to the event, but I figured there would be plenty of naked time later. So I conceded and looked for the bottle opener to pop the top off my beer. I went through four drawers looking for the stupid opener, and the fifth one was a bust, too.

Damn! Where did she keep that stupid thing!

I was getting frustrated and nearing dehydration. I was close to prying the medal top off with my teeth. The only thing that kept me from actually doing it was the mental image of my mother hovering over me squawking, "Edward Anthony Cullen! Don't you dare use your perfect teeth that your father and I spent six thousand dollars in orthodontist's fees to have fixed!" By the sixth drawer I had given up all hope of drinking the warming beer. As I looked down into my last ditch effort with little to no expectation of finding what I needed, something-- not the bottle opener-- caught my eye. It was a boarding pass for a flight from NYC to Jax. Curious, I picked it up and saw that it was in Bella's name, but even more telling was the date. It was the same date as the one marked on the fridge calendar proclaiming: "Edward's Home".

Today's date? Why does Bella have a ticket from NYC? No-- not a ticket, a boarding pass. As in, she took a flight from NYC to Jax... today? This is from today? That makes no sense.

I stood there, my beer and the quest to open it forgotten, and tried to figure out what Bella could have possibly been doing in New York this weekend. And why I wasn't aware that she had planned a trip in the first place.

"Hey, you, whatcha doin'?" Bella stood in the doorway, freshly showered and dressed, with a quizzical, scrunched-up look on her face. I slipped the pass back into the drawer and closed it carefully, not wanting her to think I'd been snooping.

"Looking for the bottle opener to open this beer. Jeeze, Bella, where do you keep the damn thing? I think I've looked in every drawer in this kitchen!" I feigned exasperation over not finding the utensil, but the feeling was wholehearted. I was trying very hard to not jump to conclusions but failing miserably.

"Well, silly," she bounced across the room and pecked me on the lips with a quick kiss, "That's because it isn't in a drawer." Reaching around me, she plucked it from the side of the refrigerator where it was hanging and handed it to me. She seemed very pleased with her ability to solve my problem. I hoped she'd be just as pleased to answer the questions I had piling up in my head about what the hell had been going on while I was gone.

"Of course not. Who in their right mind keeps kitchen utensils in their kitchen drawers? I should have known," I teased as I popped open the now more warm than cold beer that I had really lost interest in. Bella grabbed a Diet Coke and hopped up on the counter in front of me. She took a sip and placed the soda on the counter next to her.

"When do we have to be at your parents'?" She knew very well that we were expected at six sharp.

"The usual time." She got a twinkle in her eye. The one that said, "Oooh, the clock over your left shoulder says that we have just under an hour to fool around before we have to make ourselves presentable and rush to your parents' for family dinner!" I really fucking loved that twinkle. I returned her twinkle with an eyebrow waggle, because my eyebrows were sex personified (or so I've been told). They ranked second only to the mop of sex hair perched just north of them. (Bella's terminology, not mine.) She saw my waggle and upped the ante by raking her fingers through my afore mentioned sex hair and pulling my mouth to cover hers. I shifted to stand between her knees; she kissed me with such fervor that it was clear we were going to be there for a little while and I wanted to be as thorough as possible. Sure, I still had questions, but I'm a mere mortal man, you wave sex-- or the possibility of something resembling sex-- in front of us and we're happy to postpone anything that doesn't involve National Security or playoff games for professional sports. As far as I was concerned, my questions would still be there after I got some nookie. Bella's revved up libido, however, was less likely to hang around while I got my answers. So I went with the sex.

There's no better feeling than Bella's touch, her skin sliding over my own, the tingle that remains there in the wake of her fingers-- or better still, her tongue. And she chose that moment to remind me of that fact. Her tongue forged slick trails down along my neck, pausing only to pepper its path with open-mouth kisses that served as mile markers on the journey to ecstasy. My head rolled back on my shoulders, granting her better access to bare skin. She barely slowed when she reached the barricade of my collar, simply tugging it out of her way and continuing. While her tongue worked its way south, her hands were busy paving a northbound lane up under my shirt along my torso, working in tandem to meet some magical place in the middle.

"Off," she tugged at my shirt. The order registered somewhere in my sex-haze filled brain and I complied, pulling the offending article over my head. Not one for missing out on the fun, I relieved her of her shirt as well. It joined mine in a neat little pile that I had high hopes would be growing steadily bigger. I may or may not have moaned like a little bitch when she paid extra special attention to each of my nipples. Again, not one to be outdone, I pulled off her bra and ran my hands over every inch of her soft, bare skin, teasing and pinching at her taught peaks. My name tumbled from her lips in a breathy whisper. She panted against my skin, pushing me closer to insanity with each hot breath.

"Damn, Bella! Reunion sex is almost as good as make-up sex!" I grabbed her hips pulling her closer to the edge of the counter and my straining erection.

"Ugh, the past few days have been hell, Edward." Those long legs wrapped around me and she ground her hips, rubbing her the heat of her arousal against the hard proof of my own, seeking friction to ease the tension we both felt. "I hate being that far away from you. There ought to be a law against us being nearly a thousand miles apart."

Whoa! A thousand miles? Since when was Tallahassee a thousand miles from Jax? And when was she planning on telling me that I wasn't the only one who had made a little trip this weekend?

Her blunder just confirmed what I'd found in the drawer: Bella had been out of town while I was gone, but the "why" eluded me-- for about fifteen seconds. Then I remembered her telling me about the phone call she'd received inviting her to come to NYC. The haze in my head instantly cleared, and I focused on the questions rolling around. I gripped her by the shoulders and pulled back from the fantastically sinful things she was doing to me with her mouth and hands and... heat. It took her a moment to catch on that I was taking a detour from the brown chicken, brown cow reunion sex that was trying to play out on her kitchen counter. When she did, though, the confused look on her face was all the confirmation I needed that she hadn't planned on telling me anytime soon. If at all. I searched her eyes hoping that she'd have answers I'd want to hear. I needed to find out what the fuck went down in the forty-eight hours that I'd been gone. Maybe I hoped she had a sick aunt that she had rushed to see. I'd never heard that she had any aunt, much less one that lived in NYC. Maybe I hoped that she would grin at me at tell me that she had flown up the coast to pick up a rare, one of a kind double bound 1968 Rickenbacker vintage guitar to surprise me with. It was a shot in the dark, but a hell of a lot better than the alternative. But she just sat there, looking at me like I was the one who was losing his mind. I took a deep breath a stepped back just far enough to be able to look at her without crossing my eyes.

"Bella," I started, "I feel like you have something you need to tell me." I hated that, even to my own ears, I sounded like I was using the "dad" voice. She was a grown woman, and free to go wherever she damn well pleased, but she was hiding something from me, and I wanted to hear it from her. Directly.

"Edward, you're right, I do have something I need to tell you..."

I knew it! I wanted to shout those three words and fist pump the air in triumph that my "Spidey Senses" had been right on the money.

"I need to tell you that you need to get your sexy ass back over here so I can finish doing dirty, unspeakable things to it."

Okay, that's so not what I was expecting her to say. But, fuck! That was sexy as hell! I had to shake off the haze that was creeping its way back into the folds of my cerebral cortex and threatening to drag me under into a sexual fuzz. Focus, Cullen!

From that very first moment in Bella's classroom all those months ago, I knew the hold this woman could have on me. I'd been powerless against her even then; it only made sense that I was much less capable of resisting her after knowing what she had to offer. Not to mention that every fiber of my being cried out to connect with her every moment of every day. Having to deny that need, especially with her that close, was damn near impossible. But somehow I did the impossible.

"That's not what I meant, Bella, and you know it," I stated in a level voice. Rather then dragging the situation out with a game of cat and mouse I simply reached to the drawer next to us and pulled it open just enough to retrieve the ticket. "What is this?" I asked nicely, I swear it. I didn't growl, I didn't demand, I simply... asked.

"I think it's obvious what it is, Edward. It's a boarding pass," she answered in an equally calm voice.

"Yes, I can see that, Bella, but can you tell me a little more about it?" Getting a straight answer out of her was like pulling teeth sometimes!

She sighed deeply, like the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders. Looking down at her hands she asked quietly, "Can we not do this right now? I really don't want to have this conversation before we have to be around your family the rest of the evening. I want to discuss this, just not this minute." Her voice pleaded with me to let the issue drop, but I just couldn't.

"Well, Bella, I really don't want to go hang out with family and have this hanging over us. I won't be able to think about anything else all night. Just tell me what the hell is going on and we can discuss it in more detail later, if that's what you want."

"Believe me," she scoffed, hopping down to retrieve her shirt, "you'll still be brooding over this all night anyway, so what's the point in doing this more than once?"

"Just tell me why you were in New York this weekend. The rest of the details can wait for later." I watched as she slipped her shirt over her head.

"No they won't, because you won't let them. You're just going to want more information, and some of it I'm not ready to give you yet. I swear I was planning on telling you all about this weekend, but I needed some time to get a few things worked out first. Can you just trust me, please?"

"I do trust you, Bella. I just don't understand all the secrecy and the sneaking around. Is it another guy?" Her head shot up and a look of disbelief shadowed her face. I regretted the question before I even finished asking it, because I already knew the answer, but I had to be sure.

"Of course not," she cried, "How could you even ask such a thing?"

"Then is something wrong? Is someone sick, are you sick, Bella? Because if you are then I will do everything in my power to make sure--"

"No, sweetie, I'm not ill," her tone softened and reassured me. "Everyone is fine, I promise." With a deep sigh she resigned. "Fuck, I guess getting this over with now is better than you coming up with all these obscure possibilities." She took my hand and led me into the family room where the mutt still lay in front of the fire. We settled on the couch next to each other, and she turned to face me. "I went to New York this weekend while you were gone."

"Yeah, I kinda got that idea from the boarding pass," I thought I'd said that with humor, but the furrow in her forehead told me that there might have been more smart ass than humor. "Sorry. You were saying?"

"I wanted to actually tell you, to say the words. I'm not hiding anything from you, Edward. I fully intended on telling you all about this weekend."

"Really? When, Bella? At dinner with my family? After we came home? Next month?" Sarcasm tinted my words, making me sound a bit like a prick. I was trying to stay calm, but the more I thought about it the more upset I got. Bella took a deep breath; knowing Bella it was an attempt to keep her cool and not lash out at my outburst.

"Tonight. I was going to ask about your trip and then tell you about going to the city. Can I just explain without you interrupting? Things will make sense and you might not end up looking like an ass when this whole conversation is over." I bristled at her candor, but the no nonsense look she gave me told me I was jumping to conclusions and well on my way to perfecting my impression of a jack ass. I nodded for her to continue.

"We talked in Savannah, albeit briefly, about the invitation I received to join the NYC Philharmonic. I know I said I wasn't interested, but honestly, Edward, I hadn't even had a moment to really think that through. I simply responded to your reaction over the possibility that I might accept. In the past few weeks I've thought about it more, and after talking to my Mom and Phil I realized that simply dismissing it wasn't the solution. I owed it to myself and to NYPO to hear them out and see what it was they were actually proposing."

"What, so you jumped on a plane the first chance you got the moment I left town?" My rational side was starting to check out, my natural inclination to assery taking over. I could feel the air thicken around us, just like it does right before a storm.

"It wasn't like that at all, Edward!"

"It sure looks that way, Bella. You haven't mentioned this since Savannah. I assumed this was settled."

"Settled? It was never even considered. As far as you were concerned, it was nonnegotiable. Not going to happen. Not an option. It wasn't as if I could talk about this with you even if I'd tried. Judging by the way you reacted last time, it was clear that you would have never been open to having this discussion; much less be unbiased enough to talk about it seriously. So I went and talked to my family. I didn't purposely keep my going a secret, it just all kind of happened so quickly. I planned on telling you, and then you had to go to Tallahassee that same weekend. Then I just figured we'd talk when you got back. It wasn't my brightest moment, but there was nothing malicious or underhanded about it."

"You knew before I left," It wasn't a question, merely me stating a fact. "You knew, but didn't say a word. Did my family know?" I now worried that I was the only one who was out of the loop.

"No, only my Mom and Phil."

"So, it was a secret." And I hated secrets. More than anything, I hated secrets. They tore people apart, broke trust, destroyed families. I felt like I was reliving the Jessica shit all over again. Even though I knew Bella was nothing like Jessica, I couldn't stop the fear and feelings of helplessness from washing over me in waves.

"Dammit, Edward, my going to New York wasn't some big, bad secret I was keeping from you! I'm not some conniving bitch trying to keep you at arm's length! This is something I've been struggling with, and when the opportunity came up for me to find some resolution, I took it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was going, and I'm sorry that I didn't involve you in the decision, but you didn't seem too keen on the very idea, much less willing to talk about it rationally."

"Don't put this on me, Bella. If you'd have just come to me and told me what you were thinking then we could have talked--"

"That's bullshit, Edward, and you know it. Can you honestly say that if I had admitted to you that the New York thing held even a modicum of interest for me that you wouldn't have blown your gasket?"

"You make me sound unreasonable," I accused.

"Only when it comes to certain things, Edward. The possibility of the people you love leaving is one of those things. But that's beside the point. This was my decision to make. I needed to think it through and decide if it was even something I wanted to bring up, because I knew it would be a huge decision for all of us. Why go through all of the debating if I wasn't even sure New York was something I might want? So I went. I went to New York to see what they were offering and what they were requiring. I am sorry that I went without telling you first. I regret that, but I don't regret going. I needed to go. Now I know that New York is something we need to talk about. They've offered me a trial position with the orchestra for the summer with the option to extend my stay if it all works out."

"It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind."

"No, not at all. I'd never do that without you. Edward, so many times... more times than I can count, I tried to bring this up with you. Each time I would think about your reaction at the museum and lose my resolve. Because it kills me to see you upset or hurt, and I knew that having this discussion would be difficult. But we are both grownups, and we need to talk about it like the adults we are. I can't protect you from every hurt, and I need you to help me make the right decision. "

"Don't go. That's the right decision, Bella. You have a life here. A wonderful life, and you are a fool if you walk away from that."

"See? This is what I was talking about. You don't want to talk, or listen. You just want what you want. Aren't you even curious about what I'm thinking? What my reasons are for wanting this gig?"

"What I'm curious about is how you could just walk away and not look back." As far as I was concerned, it was Jessica all over again, and all I could think about is how I'd sworn I'd never let this happen to Masen again.

"What? Walk away? Who said anything about walking away, Edward? I wouldn't be leaving you. I'm not going anywhere, at least not as far as this relationship is concerned. Are you saying that if I took the job then we would be finished?"

That was exactly what I was saying. I wouldn't let another person put me or Masen second again. She couldn't have her cake and eat it, too.

"How exactly do you expect us to continue if you’re a thousand miles away, Bella? How can you be a part of our lives if you're not here? Masen deserves better than that! And if you can just up and move so you can chase some dream, then you're no better then Jessica!" I stood and paced, no longer able to contain all the nervous energy building in me.

"I am NOT Jessica, Edward!" Bella jumped up, enraged, "How dare you compare me to that bitch! I love that boy, and I love you! I can't believe you're reacting this way! I can understand that you're pissed that I didn't tell you that I was going to New York, but this is ridiculous. I'm not her. I don't want out. I want you and I know you want me, too. But for some reason you're freaking out!"

"Love? You have a funny way of showing it. I'm 'freaking out' because you're keeping secrets from me, Bella! You're sneaking around, making plans without me; of course I'd think that you don't want us anymore. What else don't I know about?"

"Oh, please, this is getting ridiculous!" She threw her hands in the air and moved across the room. It felt like she was on the other side of the continent. "Remember earlier when I insinuated that you were unreasonable? Well, I'd like to thank you for proving my point, Edward. I'm trying to talk to you about this, but all you can do is blow up and throw around ultimatums. I'm not a child. I am a grown woman who is more than capable of making rational decisions for herself. I've been doing it for years now with no help from you. You haven't once asked what my reasons are for considering this possibility, and by the way, that's all I've done so far, considered it. I've collected the information necessary for me to make an informed, rational decision, but I have not made one yet. I had hoped to talk it over with the man I love and come to some kind of decision that was best for all of us. Instead I'm sitting here, arguing with a mad man and defending my love for him and his son. THIS is why I waited to tell you. This is why I haven't been exactly up front with you. I'd like to thank you for making what was already going to be a difficult conversation absolutely fucking miserable."

"So this is my fault now? You're the one keeping secrets, but I'm the irrational one," I scoffed. She had some nerve.

"Edward... I'm not doing this. I'm exhausted, we both are, and you're not being rational."

I tried to argue, but the phone in my pocket buzzed. I fished it out-- Emmett.

Where the fuck are you guys? I'm starving! Stop sucking face and get your asses over here before Mom has a coronary!

I wasn't about to relay that message. I opted to edit instead, "Emmett says Mom is holding dinner for us..."

"Just go. I've lost my appetite. Tell Esme that I'm sorry that I missed dinner." She turned her back to me and faced the fire, staring as if it held the answers to all of our problems.

"Bella, I really think we need to finish this..."

"Not right now, Edward. Just, please go before we say anything else that neither of us means. Call me later, once you've calmed down and you're really ready to talk."

"Alright." It was lame, but it was all I could manage. As I heard the door click closed behind me I thought of a thousand different things I could have said to her. Seemingly, one for every mile between New York, New York and Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. But driving away I realized there was one I needed to say more than any of them. I sent her a text:

I love you. ~E

I know. Be safe. ~B

~oOo~

Chapter 19 Chapter 21